Many of you who subscribe to and read Heart Talk are journeying on a difficult path in your marriages. Some are separated in different residences. Some are living in the same house, but the distance between you and your spouse is palpable and lonely. Every day you wonder what will happen in the future.
Many of my posts on Heart Talk in the past have been directed to you and the issues you face, but for the past several months in which we’re all trying to navigate through a Covid-driven world, my focus has been to reach out to everyone dealing with a new reality that has brought new stress and anxiety to life.
But I haven’t forgotten you, and this week I want to give you a potpourri of encouraging posts from the past you can look over so you can hopefully find something to help you on your difficult journey.
Feeling All Alone?
First, do you feel you are all alone? Do you wonder if anyone has ever dealt with what you are dealing with? Often, I get emails from readers or those finding me online who can’t imagine anyone else has dealt with a situation like theirs and actually seen their marriages survive.
But you are not alone! It’s just that not many people are vulnerable enough to tell you about it. So here’s a post that invites you in so you can see that others have gone through similar things. And because of God’s grace and goodness, their marriages have been restored. http://www.lindarooks.com/2018/04/19/you-are-not-alone/
And if you just need something to steady your swirling emotions so you can feel more confident about making good decisions, my book Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, can be a friend to walk beside you during this tumultuous and unsettling time.
Saving Your Marriage by Yourself?
Others of you may be crying out to God for your marriage to be restored, but you don’t think it’s possible because your spouse has pulled away from you and is perhaps seeking a separation or divorce. Your fear is that if your spouse doesn’t want the marriage, how can it ever be restored? Everyone seems to say it takes two to reconcile a marriage. If this is true, what can you do by yourself? But is it true? If this is the question you are asking today, this post is for you. http://www.lindarooks.com/2016/06/03/takes-one-begin-reconciliation-marriage/
Easier to Get a Divorce?
Some others of you may be ready to just give up. Is it really worth the effort? If this is going to take a long time, wouldn’t it be better to just get a divorce and get on with my life? If this is your thinking, you might want to read the following: http://www.lindarooks.com/2019/09/03/would-i-be-happier-with-a-divorce/
How Do You Actually Reconcile when Separated?
But a number of you undoubtedly just want to know if reconciling your marriage is truly possible and what to do to save it. Is there really hope for YOUR marriage? Perhaps you’ve already tried. You’ve gone to counseling. You’ve tried to get your spouse to “talk.” You’ve asked over and over, “What do you want? What can I do to make this better?” But you feel like you’re staring at a blank wall when you look at the blank look in his or her eyes. You feel like you’re out of options. You don’t know what else to do. Before my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, came out, I wrote a series for those who are separated. This is part 3 of the four-part series. http://www.lindarooks.com/2019/03/13/can-separated-couples-reconcile-bringing-about-reconciliation-after-separation/
And finally, some of you may just need to dive in and do the work to save your marriage. You may have been thinking about getting my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, but don’t know if it will help. The post below provides an overall look at the book and describes each chapter to give you a better idea of what you can expect to find there and how it may help. Will it actually help you achieve the goals you’re after? You can look here and see. http://www.lindarooks.com/2019/03/20/fighting-for-your-marriage-while-separated/
Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated is also available as an audio book for those who prefer to listen in the car or close their eyes and absorb the words when feeling too weary or too depressed to read an actual book.
A New Series
After the first of the year, I hope to do another series on Heart Talk for those who are separated. This time I plan to share some of the things that weren’t included in my books, but offer additional help for those at a marital impasse.
Our Story
Because my husband and I went through the agony of a three-year separation ourselves, we have a deep desire to help others who are experiencing this lonely and troubling time in their marriage.
Here is a brief snippet from my husband’s and my interview on 100 Huntley Street. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcYZSAQN3AY You can see both parts of the full interview on YouTube or just go to my website at http://brokenheartonhold.com to see those interviews. Plus, you can see others as well when you visit the speaking/media page.
My wife and I are in a short term marriage. She recently has told me she wants a divorce and does not love me anymore. The years of my verbal abuse has taken a toll on her and the marriage. We are seperated in our own house and not sure she would even be open to a couple retreat at this point. i have been doing my own intensive therapy for the last year and improving but the damage has been done.
just read “Marriage Seperated” and she claims to be praying and is actually working with life coaches she wants to hold her accountable to not go back to us. she is focused on her future and what she is worthy of and begin her new life with being married.
please let me know your thoughts.
Bill
Hi Bill,
I commend you for working through some intensive therapy to get a handle on any kind of abusive verbal behavior you mention. That is a big first step in making progress towards any possibility of reconciliation. Coming to terms with your own shortcomings and admitting failures is difficult, but so important. Whether or not your marriage is ultimately healed, you will be so thankful to be discovering the true “you” God intends for you to be.
As far as the book you mentioned, were you referring to my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated? Or another book? If you have my book, Chapter 2 would be an important chapter for you to reread a couple of times. In my years of helping couples, I have found that chapter to be pivotal in many cases where a wife wants to leave the marriage. But it sounds like you already understand the challenge.
At this point, just give your wife time to find healing for herself and to adjust to any new changes she has begun to see in you. It will take time for her to trust the changes are for real. There’s no guarantee what will happen in the long run, but giving her time is one of the most important things you can do beyond the changes you’ve already begun making in yourself. God bless you, Bill!
Thanks Linda.
she is pushing farther and farther away and once again reminded me out of the blue it is over and to accept it.
we will probably have about 4-6 months in the house as we are separated until she moves out. asked her to go to Retrovaille per your recommendation and she said “I would rather poke my eyes out with hot poles than go to a retreat.” really trying to turn it over to God. I do love you book and it gives me hope and this would be a miracle if it turned around. she is one of the most strong willed, stubborn and independent people I know.
also, do you do coaching?
William, I suggest you just keep doing what I recommend in the book without putting any pressure on her to reconcile. You need to give it a lot of time and you need to completely surrender it to God so it doesn’t eat away at you. You will need to earn her trust back, and she will have to see that any changes you are making are really genuine. Be patient with her and don’t expect ANYTHING from her (as I say in the book.) It would probably help for you to keep reading some good books on marriage, and perhaps if there is a Marriage 911 class nearby, you could attend that as you can go through it by yourself. Men and women participate separately. You can find more about it at marriage911godsway.org (or com) I’m not sure?
Thanks Linda.
she is telling family and friends now that she just wants me to accept that we are moving toward divorce and that is how she can start her life all over again and how she is looking forward to it. she is an incredibly private person so i am very surprised of learn of this which means she is made up in her own mind.
I am trying to have unwavering faith and putting God first and my trust in HIM that He can help me and begin to open Dianne’s heart and the pain is running very deep. I understand that anything is possible through God and I do believe that and this seems like it would be a true miracle if she reconsidered, opened heart and we reconciled.
just received this today from my wife:
When you have a few quiet minutes please read this article.
I am no longer in denial and I have complete clarity of my decision to peacefully stop and end our dysfunctional marriage. I am calling our separation starting on 9/22/20.
This IS MY CHOICE and it is FINAL. I hope and pray that you can come to terms with this and if you’re are in denial, get out if it ASAP as it’s not a healthy place to live.
As I said in FL, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. I absolutely prefer to do it the easy way (mediation) and I hope that once you’re in acceptance that our marriage is over, you will agree and want to do this the easy way too.
It has been over 4 weeks since I left FL and told you I was done. We also had a couples therapy session that you asked me to attend and I agreed and voiced my final decision on 9/30/20.
Please respect me and my decision. We can do this with love, respect, and grace.
Dianne
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/my-partner-is-in-denial
Sent from my iPhone
Linda, there are so many things I want to share and respond but choose to just let go.
I do want to share with her your book and several others that I have read recently but have chosen not to. would love your take as it is becoming seemingly less and less hopeful. I understand “anything is possible through God” and just looking for advice.
I think your thinking is good here, William. Letting go is actually quite consistent with “fighting for your marriage. It sounds paradoxical, but God’s ways are often a paradox. (See my latest post.) When we truly surrender everything to God, we allow God to fully enter in and do some of his most exciting work. So, yes, let go of it all without any expectations, and meanwhile let God minister to your heart and make you into the man he wants you to be.
Dear Linda,
I am looking for some help and I’m hoping that perhaps you can be of assistance.
I am both fighting for my marriage while separated and reading your book “Fighting For Your Marriage While Separated”. Even though I am a man who was left by my wife, the pains and hurts you describe in your book are exactly what I’ve experienced. Your book with your Christ centered wisdom has been a tremendous help to me.
In my marriage my wife left me because she felt she was being emotionally abused. While I never called her names, or screamed at her, or became aggressive towards her, I was always critical and in control. I was always correcting her and making her feel less than me and was not being loving towards her or my children. She never felt safe because she never knew if I was going to be happy or mad. I was never like this intentionally and didn’t realize how much pain and hurt I caused her until after she left. I accept full responsibility for my behavior and am doing everything I can to be the man and husband God created me to. We have been married for 25 years, have four kids, and have been separated for 4 months and are living at separate residences.
In your book in Chapter 5, you discuss how having confidantes that encourage you to reconcile and seek God is so very important. I fully agree. Since the moment my wife left, I have sought God, the only place I knew I could turn to for help. God in turn has put several Godly men in front of me to counsel me, guide me, keep me accountable, help draw me closer to God and help me work on my relationship with my wife. They have been life savers.
My wife is a believer and I am hoping she is getting good, solid Godly counsel. One thing my wife has asked me to do, though, is to find examples of other women who have left their husbands due to marital issues such as their husband not being loving and/or being emotionally abusive and then successfully reconciling with them. I am searching for examples. Right now my wife doesn’t trust me and doesn’t trust my changes are permanent. She wants to hear from other women that men can and do change. Change permanently.
Would you be able to help with any examples of successfully reconciled marriages? Your marriage is of course a great example. My wife and I do see each other a lot, nearly every day. We get along great and enjoy each other, but she is insisting on us living separately. I on the other hand want to reconcile.
I am hoping you can help.
Best regards,
Nick
Hi Nick,
I’m so glad you are getting help from Christian male friends who can support you, keep you accountable, and give you godly counsel during this time. The fact that you recognize the changes you need to make is a really good start in your trying to reconcile. I’m sure you see in Chapter 2 of my book, that this is a fairly common dynamic in marriages where the wife wants to leave, and I hope that has given you some tips on how to handle the situation. One thing that may be hard for you to accept is that it may take a good deal more time than you would like before she can truly accept the fact that any changes you are making are long lasting rather than just a ploy to get her back. So be patient with the process. As I state one place in my book, forgiveness is a gift, but trust must be earned. It will take time for you to earn her trust back.
In terms of examples, there are a number of stories in my books of reconciled marriages, and a few, I think, fit into what you are asking about. In the chapter called, “Unwrapping the New You,” Alberto’s Story is about a man who made serious changes in his behavior and had an amazing turnaround in his marriage. I know this couple quite well, and I would say the changes he made has turned him into an amazingly terrific guy who now helps other men going through difficult times in their lives. So, yes, it is quite possible. There are others who have gone through our classes that sometimes come and share their testimonies, and others I have just kept up with, and we see wonderful, happy endings in many of these stories. But you do have to do the work to get there. Read my books and others. Perhaps you’d like to go through the Marriage 911 workbooks with a support partner. Both you and your wife can do this separately by using a Christian friend who will support you. (There is a support partner workbook to accompany the main workbook.)
God bless you, Nick.