Saving A Marriage After Separation – Yes, You Can

This is Part 2 of a series on separation. You can read Part 1, “Is There Hope for The Separated Marriage?” on Heart Talk, posted February 25, 2019

Saving a marriage after separation doesn’t begin the way most people think it would. Most believe both husband and wife need to work on it before there’s a chance for reconciliation. But if just one partner in the marriage perseveres in working toward reconciliation, there’s a good possibility of saving a marriage after separation.

If you are the spouse who wants to reconcile, chances are at the beginning of your separation, you started off by thinking, “How do I make my spouse realize they are wrong about the marriage? How do I convince him or her that I am really a great person worthy of their love? How do I show them their mistakes? After all, your mate is probably the one who chose to separate so they are obviously wrong—right? Consequently, your first inclination may be to convince your spouse they are wrong about the marriage and they are wrong to leave.

Safety

Although these feelings may very well be justified, saving a marriage after separation requires a very different approach. For reconciliation to take place in a separated marriage, one of your first goals should be to create an atmosphere of safety between you. You begin this process by giving your partner some space. Then, take a little coffee break with God and let God calm your heart. He can strengthen you in the waiting so you can carry out the steps He unfolds to you along the way. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Use this circumstance to spend time with Jesus. Seek guidance from the Almighty God who loves both you and your spouse and wants to heal your breaking hearts.

Don’t be in a hurry. Remember, change takes time. This crisis didn’t develop overnight, and it won’t be resolved quickly. Don’t set time limits. Realize feelings change. What we feel one day may be very different six months from now. That can be true of your spouse and can also be true of you. But it takes time for this to happen.

With God as your anchor, you can then set in motion the necessary steps for saving a marriage after separation. As a first step, make a decision to start responding more positively to your spouse so you can begin interacting in a safe environment.

Responsibility

Open your heart also to the possibility that your separation is not all your partner’s fault. Look at yourself to see changes God wants you to make – not to become what your spouse wants you to be, but to become what your Heavenly Father wants you to be. Be willing to accept responsibility for your part in the breakdown. During our three-year separation, it took me a whole year before I realized it wasn’t all my husband’s fault. It was when I saw my own part in the marital breakdown that God was able to begin making the necessary changes in both our hearts so we were eventually able to reconcile. Even if the sin of one of you is more egregious, both partners have usually played a part in what has transpired.

Speaking positive words into the life of your partner whenever you have contact while simultaneously letting God show you your own deficiencies can begin a safe and steady move toward the goal of saving a marriage after separation.

Ephesians 4:29 exhorts us to “build others up according to their needs.” Do you understand your spouse’s needs? Do you know how to encourage your spouse and build him up? To bring your marriage back to health, learning how to meet your mate’s emotional needs and building him or her up accordingly can contribute greatly toward fostering the emotional vibrancy necessary to having a healthy marriage relationship.

Positive Words

During our separation, as I considered how saving a marriage after separation might be possible, I encountered a passage in John Gray’s book, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus that changed the trajectory of my thinking.  In his book, Gray maintains that the emotional needs of a man are different from the emotional needs of a woman, and as I read what he described as the emotional needs of a man, I was stunned. As I perused the two lists, I realized I had pretty much been doing what a woman needs for her emotional needs to be met. After all, as a woman, I guess that would come somewhat naturally. But I had been clueless about the emotional needs of a man. As I read that list, I was appalled that I had done so little as a wife to meet the emotional needs that would satisfy my husband as a man.

According to John Gray, a woman’s primary emotional needs are “caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.” A man’s primary emotional needs are “trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.”

After reading these lists, I immediately began to think about how I could apply this new revelation to my situation. It was hard at first to think of ways to show trust, admiration and approval towards my husband who had turned his back on me. But I knew it was important to find sincere ways to do that. So I sat down and made a list of everything I could think of—even small things—that would build him up emotionally. Then when we had contact, I tried to work one of these encouragements into our conversation. Slowly, as I began to build my husband up, he became more interested in spending time with me. It was a pivotal time that moved us in a more positive direction so that we ultimately were able to restore our marriage.

Understanding these differences and then speaking positive words into the life of your spouse to meet his or her specific needs is an important step toward saving a marriage after separation.

A separation is a heartrending, complicated, and lonely experience in a married person’s life with no simple answers. But answers do exist as you walk with the Lord and allow Him to open your understanding one day at a time. Creating a positive and safe environment where answers can begin to evolve plays a significant role in saving a marriage after separation.

Next week: Part 3 – Can separated couples reconcile? Bringing about a reconciliation.

If you want to fight for your marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks  will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.