“My husband left. He wants a divorce” These familiar and heartbreaking words break my heart each time a person comes to me, describing what is happening in their marriage when their spouse wants out. Their pain and desperation is palpable. I know some hard days lie ahead for them, but I also know there is hope if they can reign in their pain and choose the right path. Now that I’ve worked with those who are separated for so many years, I’ve seen God’s miraculous grace rescue marriage after marriage and bring back together those who are separated. So, yes, there is hope for the separated marriage.
How do you find hope for the separated marriage?
If you are in that place, it’s important to step back from your painful circumstances and take a fresh look at your relationship. If you have become separated, something in the marriage is broken. Just as an electrician needs to analyze an electrical system that has broken down in order to fix it, so too when a marriage breaks down, it’s important to locate the parts that are not working.
The process begins by giving space to a partner who is distancing himself and enlisting the aid of the Only One who has the full perspective, and that is our Creator God. As our Creator, God knows each of us inside and out. He knows me and you, and He knows our partners. He knows what needs to change for the relationship to work. When we seek God’s Omniscient perspective and look to Him for the answers, we can begin to take steps toward healing. A separation is messy and complicated. There are no simple answers. But there ARE answers. There are wrong paths we can travel and good ones to choose.
First Steps to Take
Giving space to the one who has left is the first step if you want to find hope for the separated marriage. Chasing after your spouse and forcing them to come up with answers to your questions only pushes them further away and will prolong the process. But giving space allows your partner to sort out the confusion spiraling through his or her head. Because of your pain, this is not an easy prescription, but it’s necessary in order to turn things around.
As you give space to your partner, you need to find healing and a place of safety for yourself. Proverbs 18:10 tells us, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” You are on a journey that will carry you over some rocky, barren places, and you need strength to make it through the rough terrain. As you run into the safety of God’s grace, you will find healing and hope. He can take care of your breaking heart. In his loving arms, you will find hope for the separated marriage that has taken place as He helps to soften the bitterness and pain so you can take the second step. For as you receive God’s grace, He will ask you in turn to offer grace to the one who is hurting you.
This means speaking positive words to your spouse, which is your next move as you seek to find hope for the separated marriage. Easing the tensions between you and your spouse by using positive words will provide a bridge over which the two of you can begin to tip toe as you take first steps back toward one another to explore new possibilities in your search for hope.
There is no straight, quick, and easy path to reconciliation, but as you traverse this labyrinth of confusion and pain, the road may bring unexpected healing and happiness as your eyes are opened to new realities. God brings “beauty from ashes, and the oil of joy in place of mourning” when we allow Him to guide us along this difficult journey to find hope for the separated marriage we want to see reconciled.
Next week: Reconciling a Separated marriage
If you want to fight for your marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.
Thank you for sharing Linda, is it possible for God to still work when your spouse has entered another relationship. My hope in God is that he will.
Yes, it is possible, Rossana. But don’t stop living your life. Take up some new interests or develop some old ones. Keep growing as an individual as you hold onto God. Let God make you into all He created you to be. (Sorry it took me so long to respond. I just saw your comment.)
I’m reading your book because I am struggling over if/how to pursue reconciliation with my ex-wife after a divorce nearly 3 years ago. At the time, when she told me she wanted a divorce, I prayed strongly for three months for God to preserve the marriage but I continually sensed God say, “Let her go.” So finally I did.
I still felt strongly that was how God was leading.
Last summer, I started sensing a desire to try to contact her and possibly pursue reconciliation. I reached out three times since then but she’s ignored me. I don’t know if or when or how to maybe try one more time. And I’m also wondering if my desire to see a changed and reconciled marriage has supplanted God’s leading…
I don’t want to let go of her, and the 13 years together …I want to be patient, but I don’t want to hang on too long. It’s hard to know the difference.
Kirk, if you’ve been reading my books, then you know that one major thing I say has to happen before God can move is to “let go.” It sounds like that’s what happened in the past. You felt God telling you to let go and you did. But it sounds like perhaps you have now taken it back again and are trying to reconcile in your own power. I can tell you really want to do it God’s way, and I know it’s terribly hard to discern his leading at times. No, you don’t want to hang onto her “too long,” but you CAN continue to hang onto God. His timing is not ours. So there’s never a “too long” for hanging onto God. I guess, perhaps, my question might be “how” you reached out to her. Was it with a suggestion for reconciliation? Or just a reaching out with a “Hi, how are you?” If reconciliation is to happen, you will probably need to take it slow and just be friends for awhile until you can build up trust again. My suggestion is to continue to immerse yourself in the things of God so He can both show you what changes to make in yourself and so you can grow closer in your relationship to Him so you re able to hear His voice and recognize His leading when it is time to reach out to her. I know this is hard, but those hard times are often the times when God is simply calling us to go deeper with Him. Your life is not about you and your ex-wife. Your life is about you and God. Let Him show you the direction He wants you to go without thinking about your ex. Focus on Him. Open your heart to anything and everything God wants to show you. I’m praying He will make your path straight as you trust Him. Meditate on the words of Proverbs 3:5-6.
God bless you Kirk. I’m praying for you.
Linda
Is three months a long time to be separated from my wife. She removed me from the home three months ago and has said she doesn’t want to go to counselling and wants out of the marriage. I am trying to give her space and time to heal from the madness of the last year where we argued all the time and we were stuck in a negative cycle of anger with each other. We have two small children and it is breaking me that I don’t chase them down to the hall to bed anymore. I am a good father but I was a bad husband. I had issues with depression, addiction and I was unemployed. I have been working hard on myself through counselling, praying and fitness every week since I left the family home. There is only communication about the children with my wife and that is cordial. Is there any hope?
Hi NM,
Yes, there is hope. Three months is not a long time because it takes time for true healing to take place. The fact that you’re concentrating on working on yourself is a big step forward. Give the process time and be patient with her and with yourself. Let her see the changes in you. Don’t tell her. For her to truly believe your changes are for real, she will probably want to see them for herself. I assume you probably have my book so just keep doing the things I write about there. That will put you on the right path. Keep pressing forward and let God give you the strength to persevere.
Your website is God sent! I left my husband 3 years ago, married 47 years. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to his indifference, rejection, silent treatment for weeks, months at a time. My doctor and counselor strongly advised a separation. He only called once in 3 years, ordered by the judge. Refused any family gatherings if I invited him, refused to get together with me, etc. I’ve written him letters, begged him for us to be Christ-like and communicate, come together for family. He ignores it all.
Last fall I filed for legal separation after a recommendation by a mediator. For 9 months he had no contact with me, and was forced to say hi when I went to his friends funeral. We did not see each other till the settlement conference in May and he was forced to look at me. He signed but I did not as I was having second thoughts. I decided to pursue mercy and not justice, so I withdrew the civil case.
Two weeks later he filed a case against me. I pleaded with him numerous times to drop the case, to no avail. We had gone to the same church for 40+ years and the current pastor is very much against going to court, one believer to another. We have counseled with him before and has us both come up with lists how we sin against each other. Great idea if it wasn’t for the emotional destruction in the marriage.
The pastor seems fine with a court case now, and the judge ruled a month ago. Now all financial and house, belongings are in the process of being divided up. Devastating to our 3 adult children. The pastor says divide it up, have a “fresh start” and then reconcile. Pastor sides with husband who is in church leadership roles. Husband has an image to uphold. How does one reconcile after that? Seems reconciliation should have been attempted before going to court, but husband would only consider any reconciling if I confessed it was my fault.