Conflict and poor communication skills are often cited as some of the top reasons for divorce today. Deb DeArmond and her husband Ron, in their newest book, Don’t Go To Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight, provide insight into how to divert potential conflict into a healthy conversation instead. In our interview Deb maps out a plan for couples when anger escalates and is about to undermine a necessary discussion. In addition to authoring three books on family relationships, Deb is a speaker and relationship coach with the goal of helping her clients improve their interactions both at work and at home. Don’t Go To Bed Angry won the 2018 Selah Award for Christian non-fiction.
Linda: The title of your book is intriguing, Deb. What do you mean when you say, “Don’t go to bed angry; stay up and fight?”
Deb: When my husband and I wrote this book, Linda, we conducted surveys, interviews, and facilitated a focus group. Most Christians who attended marriage preparation or counseling through their church were given the direction found in Ephesians 4:26: “And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,” (NLT). It’s often considered the most significant rule of marital bliss offered to engaged or newly married couple.
But let’s examine the scripture carefully. It does not say: “Stay up all night if necessary until you come to a mutual solution.” Nor does the passage suggest, “There will be no sleep until you have arrived at a peaceful, detailed decision you can both support.”
It’s not what it says. But it’s what many of us have come to believe.
Linda: What would you say this scripture directs us to do?
Deb: Just as it suggests: Steer clear of sin and refuse to let anger control the conversation. The scripture encourages us to stop the anger and take it out of the equation. How? We stop the discussion once we recognize anger has taken center stage, directing what we say and how we say it.
Linda: So if couples stop the discussion at this point, what do they do instead? How do they proceed to find a solution to the conflict?
Deb: We deal with the anger. Right then, in that moment. Either spouse can stop and say something like, “Let’s step back for a moment. We’ve lost control of the discussion and anger has taken over the conversation. It’s not pleasing to God and it’s not good for us. Would you forgive me for allowing the enemy to fuel my words, my tone, and (if appropriate) my volume? I don’t think it’s likely we can reach a solid solution tonight. Could we agree to delay making a decision and reconcile our differences tomorrow morning after a good night’s sleep?”
Linda: How does that work? What if the other spouse is unwilling?
Deb: They might be. But most often, we’ve discovered, couples just want it to be done. At least for the moment. We’re exhausted and so often we have not previously had a method to peacefully disengage without someone just throwing in the towel. And when there’s no resolution, we’re destined to experience that same conflict in the future.
Realistically, conflict could happen any time of day. The time doesn’t matter. As long as you agree on a time to come back together to reach agreement, you are on the right path.
Linda: What inspired you and your husband to arrive at this process?
Deb: There are two principles or truths at work here; we submit to both. The first is: if you have to fight, fight fair. And the second is even more essential: be clear about who the enemy is—and isn’t.
There is an enemy who sets himself against us because we follow Jesus. His identity is made clear in Ephesians 6:12: “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places,” (NLT).
People —in this case, our mate—are not the enemy. We don’t need to target them or engage in the wrong combat.
Linda: What do you mean by the “wrong combat?”
Deb: There’s two components in play.
We just discussed the first component: remembering who the real enemy is. When we fight against 
one another in anger, we both lose, and our marriage suffers. But fighting—together—for our marriage is essential.
The second component is more complex. We treat conflict as a problem. Many avoid conflict at all costs. As a result, conflict exists; it’s not expressed, but it remains and it’s unresolved.
Conflict is not the real problem. It’s how we deal with it that determines where it takes us. Conflict begins with a difference of opinion, experience, belief, or perception.
When conflict is handled poorly, carelessly, or callously, it can lead to damage, and ultimately, destruction of the relationship.
It can also lead to discovery—greater insight and understanding of our partner’s thoughts, feelings, and perspective. As in “Wow! I never saw it that way. That’s great.” Or “Now I understand how what I said hurt you. Thanks for helping me see that.”
It’s up to us to choose which direction we will go – discovery or destruction.
Linda: Good insights! What tools can you share with us that might be helpful to choose discovery over destruction?
Deb: Interestingly, poor communication was the highest rated cause of conflict in our survey. So, if the problem started because of poor communication, solving it verbally is not a reliable option. Tools are essential to tackling this issue. Skill power is far greater than willpower when it comes to choosing a healthy approach to conflict.
Building strong communication skills prevent a disagreement from becoming a war, and if a battle breaks out, we’re equipped to declare a truce. We must learn to deal with what we’ve created.
We will use the four letters of D-E-A-L as a way to remember a proactive approach to free yourself (and your loved one) from escalating into anger.
D – Don’t take the bait.
E – Explain the impact of the behavior and express your expectations.
A – Ask questions to draw your spouse into dialogue.
L – Let go of the need to manage your mate’s behavior. Self-manage your own.
Linda: Could you explain these points a little further?
Deb: Okay, let’s talk about how to deal with conflict before it gets away from us and develops into a destructive discussion.
- Don’t Take the Bait
When the bait is dangled on that hook, their goal is to get you to bite, to react in the moment in order to serve the purposes of the one serving the bait, regardless of the impact on you.
But whether it’s silence or volume, sarcasm or vindictiveness your mate expresses, your objective is to respond, not react. What’s the difference? A response is a thoughtful, purposeful reply, considered and chosen according to your relationship with your spouse and God.
A reaction is an in-the-moment reply often based on emotion like anger, hurt, or pride. Think of it as the quick-draw retort that you (and the Lord) will regret the moment it leaves your lips.
- Explain the impact of the behavior and express your expectations.
Help your spouse recognize and understand the impact on you as a result of the issue. Express your expectations as the conversation continues. For example, if your spouse yells to make the point in an attempt to overpower you and push your concern aside, it’s important to respond appropriately. Here’s how that might sound:
“We agreed to curb spending, but your purchase disregarded our agreement. I feel disregarded, too. It’s a trust issue. We need to talk about this, but please let’s discuss it respectfully without raised voices or anger.”
Once the impact is explained, and expectations are established, you’re ready to move ahead and begin the discussion.
- Ask questions to draw your spouse into dialogue.
Open-ended questions invite engagement. They often start with how or what. The purpose here is to invite your spouse into solutions-building, with the goal of a joint decision. Continuing our example, it may sound like this:
“If the positions were reversed, how would you feel? What message would you take had I been the spender today?”
“How do we keep this from continuing? What steps can we take to insure there are no more surprises?”
You may discover information you were unaware of, changing the way you view the issue. Or not. Either way, you’re beginning the work of building a solution together.
Eventually, steps will surface, and you can begin to create a plan.
Be patient and remember, you manage you, let your spouse do the same. Which brings us to the final element of dealing with the conflict.
- Let go of the need to control your mate’s behavior. Self-manage your own.
This conversation is not about me controlling you. I’m here to control me.
Even if you never verbalize this, don’t ever forget it. We have our hands full managing our own behavior. You can redirect the tone and direction of the conversation if you remember this principle.
You may be tempted to try to manage or control his/her behavior. Remember your first priority is to give your spouse insight into how their behavior impacts you. It’s best done with an attitude of, “I’m here to give you helpful information about me and how this affected me.” This approach gives your spouse the benefit of the doubt, which helps minimize the potential offense and moves the couple forward.
And forward is where we want to go!
Linda: Thanks Deb. Where can readers find out more about you and your books?
Deb: You can find out more about my books and my ministry at Deb DeArmond/Family Matters (www.debdearmond.com)
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