Separated But Healing

Does a Separation Mean the End of a Marriage or Can It Bring a New Beginning?

Man and woman standing close to each other on beach

Photo by Carly Rae Hobbins

FOR TWO YEARS their fighting had escalated, with tension and bitterness mounting month after month. When Jim and Kelly were together physically, the emotional and spiritual distance between them gnawed at their insides. Each fight ended with Jim walking out the door and slamming it behind him. But he always came back.

“I can’t stand this anymore!” Kelly cried as Jim headed toward the door one evening during another argument. “You get mad at me, then leave. We never resolve anything. When you come back, you act like nothing happened. Well!” she announced in exasperation. “It’s not going to happen this time.”

And it didn’t. This time when Jim left, he didn’t return. It was six weeks later in a counselor’s office before they saw each other again.

How Many Couples are Separated?

While divorce and infidelity visibly tear Christian marriages apart, marital separation maintains a silent and growing presence in our churches and communities where many couples languish silently in the shadows. Usually perceived as a precursor to divorce, separation is the awkward stepchild that no one knows how to handle. Yet the numbers are staggering. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, more than 2.5 million couples were separated in the year 2000. A report from a Gallup poll translates the numbers into astounding percentages: “If you have ever been married, the odds are 50-50 that you’ve either been divorced, separated or seriously close to separation. If you’re between the ages of 35 and 54, those odds increase to two out of three.”

Marriage counselor Dr. Willard F. Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs, maintains that 15 to 20 percent of married couples end their lives permanently separated. Although these numbers reflect an enormous need, few churches know what to do for couples who separate.

“Everybody kept telling me to go to singles,” says Michelle Williams, who was separated from her husband for two years. “They kept talking about divorce recovery. And I kept telling people, including pastors, ‘But I’m not divorced. I’m not single. I’m married.’ But there was nothing for people who were separated.” The only place that offered any hope to someone who was separated was the singles program, and the hope you found there was in meeting singles who were divorced. So divorce became the only hope anybody offered.

Added to this lack of direction from churches is a general scarcity of resources for the separated in the larger marketplace. While a Christian bookstore might carry an entire shelf of books on divorce recovery, a customer is fortunate to find one book on surviving separation. The truth is, there is a huge gap in resources for married couples swimming through the murkiest of waters.

What Hope Exists for the Separated?

So the question lingering in the minds of most onlookers is, what real hope is there for couples once they separate? Isn’t it already too late? Isn’t the possibility of reconciliation extremely slim?

To the contrary: according to Howard Weinberg in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, one third of women who attempt to reconcile their marriages succeed in doing so. And somewhere in the fabric of the general population, 10 percent of currently married couples in the United States have experienced a separation and reconciliation at some point in their marriage. A report from the Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) shows that almost half of those who separate do not divorce within the first year. Longer than three years, however, divorce is more likely.

Some suggest we view a separated couple as we would a friend diagnosed with cancer. With proper treatment, there is a good chance of recovery. Left alone, the marriage will probably not make it.

What people need is hope. “If you only have one friend who says, ‘I think you guys are going to make it,’ even one friend giving you that hope, it is light in a dark place,” says Dwight Bain, a licensed mental health counselor and certified family law mediator.
A couple who is left alone through a separation “is the saddest thing ever,” says Williams, who with husband Joe founded “Marriage 911 God’s Way,” a phenomenally successful program for those who are separated. “When you’re separated and all alone, without the right kind of counsel, your marriage will end in divorce.”

Marriage 911 God’s Way has reached into 325 churches both nationally and internationally over the past twenty years. According to the Williamses, the program achieves an enormous success rate for couples who go through it together and even when just one partner participates many marriages are restored. “At least 50 percent of the time,” they report, “when a couple separates, only one person is interested in working on it.” Consequently, one advantage of Marriage 911 God’s Way is one member of the couple can do it alone, and they can begin immediately. The program stresses having an accountability partner of the same gender while working through a workbook. Churches can work with one or both members of the couple individually, or hold classes where men and women sit on different sides of the room so that those without a willing spouse are comfortable attending.

A few books on separation have begun to offer hope as well. Two books by Linda W. Rooks, Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, and Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated, have helped many make it through this difficult time. Marriage Off Course by Clint and Penny Bragg and Hope for the Separated by Gary Chapman also focus on helping those who are separated.

Bridging the Gap Between Separation and Restoration

How then do we help couples through the mire of marital breakdown?

Steven W. Harley, M.S., son of Dr. Willard F. Harley and a specialist in infidelity counseling, sums up the reason for divorce in one word. “When it’s all boiled down,” he says, “the fact is that divorce is caused by hopelessness.”

Roger Shepherd, a licensed mental health counselor specializing in marriage and family counseling, agrees. “It is hopelessness that things will ever be different, that we will ever find what we’re looking for in this relationship. Then what feeds the hopelessness [in a separation] is you become more and more isolated, more and more alone. You find fewer and fewer places where you feel comfortable.”

“And if the only place you can find hope is in a singles class,” adds Michelle Williams, “where you’re meeting people who tell you, ‘Look, you’re going to be OK. I’m divorced, and I’m OK,’ then [separated people] begin to see their only hope in the form of a good divorce. People get separated out of frustration; the divorce becomes final out of hopelessness.”

And that’s where friends, pastors and counselors fit in.

Friends help when “they’re showing up and taking an interest,” says Shepherd. “I don’t mean coming in and telling them what to do, but coming in and giving them a safe place to be honest. That’s why I think counseling is so important; it’s a safe place. What bothers me,” Shepherd continues, “is that when people don’t know what to do, they don’t get involved. It’s just like, even when people are grieving the loss of a loved one, people don’t know what to do, so they tend to stay distant. That is the problem.”

“Give your friend hope,” advise the Williamses. “They’re in a situation where they’re feeling lonely and embarrassed, maybe embarrassed to go to church without their spouse. So you want to create an atmosphere for them where they can grow closer to the Lord. Go with them to church or Bible study or a retreat.”

Counselors agree this is not the time to arrange a date for them. Remember they are separated, not divorced. The worst thing you can do, says Dr. Jim Talley, is tell a separated person to “get on with your life.”

Probably the best news for separated couples is the emergence of couple mentoring programs that are turning marriages around in incredible numbers.

Retrouvaille, now in its 45th year, is “an extraordinary program that works miracles!” reports one couple whose marriage was successfully restored after a three-year separation. “It is so well planned, it enables your hearts to really connect again. I would recommend, before any couple divorces, they go to Retrouvaille. It will save their marriage.”

In fact, studies show a 75 percent success rate for couples who complete the program, even though at least a third are separated when they come to the weekend. “Some are even divorced,” report Roger and Pat Bate, who were once the international coordinating couple. Retrouvaille consists of a weekend and six follow-up sessions led by peer couples whose own marriages have recovered from serious trauma. “The tools we give the couple provide them the opportunity to develop real closeness and intimacy,” says Bate, “a closeness that allows them to deal with issues from a posture of combined strength, couple strength. All of a sudden they find they’re successful in attacking the issues because they’re attacking them together rather than attacking one another.”

Separations That Heal

What may seem surprising is that many counselors actually recommend a short separation as part of the healing process for marriages in distress. Bain cites 1 Corinthians 7:5, which allows for a couple to be apart for the purpose of prayer and fasting, as a basis for a separation of up to 40 days. He derives the time period from the 40 days that Jesus fasted and prayed. “Longer than that,” the counselor says, “and I want to see extreme structure” so it does not become a precursor to divorce. For couples who need a longer separation, he drafts a contract between the husband and wife, outlining how money will be handled, how often they will see each other, and parenting responsibilities. “Separation is for the purpose of restoration, not a prelude to divorce,” Bain says. “It is about building a new relationship between the two parties. It’s a time for each of them to deal with the hardness in their hearts so they can save the marriage.” Bain typically structures a separation from one to six months.

Perhaps the biggest question is, who makes it through a separation and who doesn’t? A disturbing DHHS statistic shows separations more likely turn into divorce for Protestant Christians than for Catholics and non-Christians. Why? Bain suggests a serious reason many Christian couples fail to reconcile is that “they’re embarrassed to seek help. Couples need to break through that embarrassment and realize healthy people seek help. Even one person can get help to save a relationship from a relationship cancer.”

And for those who do get help, what is the secret of restoring a torn-apart marriage? “The number one thing,” say the Williamses, “is that they learn to take their focus off their spouse to meet all their needs. They get their focus on God, get the log out of their own eye, begin working on their own individual issues, and wait to see what God does.”

For those who reconcile then, what is the prognosis? Are they happy, or do they just endure each other?

Bain does not hesitate. “I think the ones who truly have let God change their hearts are the happiest people on the planet. Because now they have the marriage of their dreams. They just don’t have the baggage of a broken and failed marriage.”

This blog post is a revised and updated version of an article that first appeared in Light and Life Magazine, May/June 2003

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You Are Beautiful

Beautiful sunset

Photo by Al Quino

SITTING ON THE DOCK of a lake one late afternoon, I was captivated by the sight of an exquisite sunset.  The colors melting into one another to illuminate the sky stirred the lonely places of my heart. My husband had left several months earlier. Now we were separated, and I had no idea whether we would ever be together again.

Although clouds had enveloped my soul moments before because of my circumstances, I now found myself praising God, thanking Him for this beautiful sunset and the opportunity for me to see it.

“But what if you didn’t see it?  Would the sunset still be as beautiful?” I felt the Spirit of God asking me.

“Yes,” I said, “it would still be just as beautiful.”

“And what if no one saw this sunset, would it still be just as beautiful?” “Yes,” I said, “it would still be just as beautiful.”

“And if I make a person beautiful, but no one loves them, are they still beautiful?”  God’s Spirit inquired.

“Yes” I said, “they would still be beautiful.”

“I made you beautiful…and I love you.  So if your husband does not see your beauty, does that mean you are not beautiful?  If he does not love you, does that mean you are not loved?”

“No,” I whispered.  “I do not need anyone else to love me or think I am beautiful.  You are enough, Lord. If you love me and think I am beautiful, then that is enough.’

“I loved you enough to die for you,” He said.  “I created you to be the unique person that you are.  You are beautiful.  I love you.”

At that I bowed my head in praise and worshipped Him in love.

Excerpted from Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation by Linda W. Rooks

If you need more hope and encouragement, you may find the hope you’re looking for in my book, Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation. When facing the turmoil of a troublesome marriage, sometimes what we need most is a touch from God’s Spirit on our life so we can become stronger and more secure as we face each day.

 

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What If My Marriage Is Not Reconciled?

woman looking upwardWHEN SELENA TOLD ME about her divorce, I was crushed. Years before, she had gone through Marriage 911, reconciled with her husband and been an enthusiastic supporter of others going through our ministry. We hadn’t been in touch for quite a while, and when she informed me of the happenings of the previous year, I was in shock.

She had made so many changes. She was more vibrant. Closer to God. She had literally become a more beautiful woman. She had ministered to others too and helped them walk this difficult journey.

I had not seen this coming, and neither had she. Her husband had seemed supportive, and they had come a long way. His divorcing her was completely unexpected.

For days I drug around, wondering how this could happen, asking God why. I remembered others whose marriages had also not reconciled. People who seemed to be doing all the right things.

One morning as I spent a prolonged time in prayer, God started whispering to my heart with memories, recollections, and encouragement. In my memory I saw Selena when she first came to class and how she was now. She had changed dramatically. She was more vibrant, more beautiful with a light in her eyes and a softness in her face. Her words were uplifting and gracious. She was closer to God and had a vital faith.

As God began to show me this, He began to speak to me in my heart. It’s not all about the marriage, Linda. It’s about the person themselves. And their relationship to me. I want them to come closer to me. And that’s what’s most important.

Awhile later my husband asked me what I was doing. I told him I’d been spending time with God and He was showing me some things.

“What did He show you?” he asked. “I always like hearing what God says to you.”

When I told him, he said, “Well that’s what we say in Marriage 911. You can’t change your spouse. You can only change yourself. It’s about your relationship between you and God.”

“And that’s what people say to me in their emails too,” I said. “Many people, whose marriages weren’t reconciled, email me to say that even though their marriage didn’t get back together and it was one of the hardest times in their life, they wouldn’t trade this experience because they had come so much closer to God.”

So, yes, after spending that time with the Lord, I realized it all comes down to this.

Even though my books and our Marriage 911 ministry have helped to bring about many reconciled marriages, there is no guarantee. Our fallen human natures still impact the results. The sinful choices and desires of a spouse can undermine God’s best plan for us. Likewise, our own past choices may have exhausted the emotional strength and patience of our mate. God gives us free will and does not force His own will upon us.

Sometimes in the searching for answers, we find answers we never expected, answers that explain far more than what initially drove us in our search.

In one of the last stories of my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, I quote an email sent to me from Theresa, who had gone through Marriage 911 and read Broken Heart on Hold, but whose marriage still ended in a divorce initiated by her husband. In the email she recalls the difficult journey and what she had learned through it.  “What if I was not really fighting for my marriage?” she asks. “What if God was actually having me fight for myself—my soul, my heart, my own salvation?” She finishes the email by saying, “The one that has been restored, I assure you, has been ME! I can finally hear Jesus saying to my heart, “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland” (Isaiah 43:19).’”

As I continued to meditate on what God was showing me that day, I pictured someone dancing in God’s presence, joyful in the love surrounding them.  And I realized, although we want to help reconcile marriages, our ultimate goal is this: to open up each person’s heart to God, themselves, and others so they can shed the shabbiness within their souls and become the beautiful creation God intended them to be.

Hopefully, as they dance into their new persona, their spouses will be able to join them in the dance and the two of them can grow together in the pursuit of holiness God wants them to have. But even if their spouse does not join them, they will not dance alone. Jesus is there to lead them into the joyful discovery of all He holds for them. His love will be ever-present and His dance will lift them to new heights.

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In Appreciation of Dads Who Persevere

Father cuddlilng his sonTHIS FATHER’S DAY I want to recognize a particular group of dads who may approach the day with a bit of apprehension.

These are dads I sometimes get emails from who are persevering even in the midst of separation or divorce. Their wives have left or asked them to leave, and the pain of being separated not only from their wife but their children is tearing them apart.

In some situations, of course, the wife has had a good reason for her actions, but whether this is true in his particular case or not, the man I pay tribute to today has taken this to God, understands how he has erred, sought forgiveness, and is taking the necessary steps to become the man God created him to be. In the meantime, while he tries to rebuild trust with his wife, he is attempting to be a good dad to his children.

Dads who are separated or divorced have an especially difficult task, and I say kudos to those who keep their promises, make the effort to be a part of their children’s lives, show up for baseball games and dance recitals, is respectful of their mother in spite of the situation, and tries to maintain consistency in their child’s life while the child is shuffled between two different households.

Being a good dad is important to him. While he is aware of his failures, he wants with all his heart to be a good dad. He wants his children to be proud of him and know that he loves them. He doesn’t want to disappoint them. He wants to overcome the challenges.

So instead of criticizing his wife, he is humble and honest about his own shortcomings as God reveals them to him. He doesn’t try to drive a wedge between the children and their mother and prays with the children that God will use these adverse circumstances to bring good into their lives according to Romans 8:28, which says, “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” And without expectations from his wife, he continues to take appropriate responsibility in the home.

These are dads who are doing everything they can to let God change them into the men He created them to be, who step up to their role as fathers and become stronger men in the process, showing their children how to handle life’s challenges and failures. By seeking God and looking to Him for guidance, by humbly admitting mistakes, and honestly confronting their issues without blaming and being defensive, they become an example to their children of humble, honest, and godly manhood.

So this Father’s Day, I want to say thanks to the dad who rises up to become the man, the dad, and the husband God has called him to be, putting behind him the insecurities and failures of the past and pressing on to follow God and to be an example to his children of the power of God’s redemption.

If you’re a man who wants to fight for his family and his marriage, let me help you on this journey through my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

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The Single Dad Detour – Author Interview with Tez Brooks

cover of book "The Single Dad Detour"IF YOU’RE A DAD in a broken marriage and marital reconciliation looks more and more remote, my interview with my friend Tez Brooks will be especially meaningful and, perhaps, a life-changer. In his award-winning book, The Single Dad Detour, Tez Brooks provides wise guidance laced with humor to help divorced and separated dads navigate through difficult circumstances in parenting. I’m hoping Tez’s experience and insights will offer answers to many of the questions men commonly ask in their emails to me. A review of the book by author Rick James says, “If I were a single parent on this journey, I’d want Tez’s comforting voice on my GPS. It’s a warm and understanding voice that’s traveled the back roads and knows where it’s going.” Recently, Tez received the Book of the Decade award from Serious Writer.

Linda: Tez, tell our readers a little about yourself and your journey.

 Tez: Sure. Well, I made a decision to follow Christ when I was 6, felt a call to ministry at 18 and went to Bible College. I was a 22-year-old youth pastor when I married a girl from my hometown. During our 10-year marriage we had two children who are now adults.

But there were a lot of hidden issues we were dealing with as a couple. I had abuse in my background and was a bit of a control freak. I could be a real jerk sometimes. My wife had undiagnosed bi-polar disorder and some other mental health issues that we didn’t know were affecting our marriage. I thought that’s just what marriage was supposed to be—a roller coaster.

On top of that, she was chronically unfaithful and although I saw evidence of this while we were dating, I figured a wedding ring would solve this. I was young and naïve and didn’t have any older men speaking into my life who might have warned me. I took her back several times but eventually, her unfaithfulness led to a divorce.

That’s not what I wanted for us. I continued to make attempts to salvage our marriage. Counseling, marriage conferences, books, prayer, fasting—everything. Even after the divorce I was open to reconciliation. I believed with the Lord we could work through anything. But at the time, only one of us was walking with God. And honestly, you can’t force someone to love you.

We shared custody of our son and daughter. Sometimes they lived with me, other times they were with my ex. It was a lonely depressing time for me. The kids experienced a lot of loss too. In all, the kids lived with me full-time for about 3 years. As you’ve heard, no one wins. Divorce is a lose/lose situation.

After being divorced 7 years, I met and married my lovely wife Christine and we’ve had 2 more girls. It’s such a joy to raise children with a godly woman who loves me and shares the same values as a parent.

 Linda: Your book, The Single Dad Detour was a winner for the 2016 Royal Palm Literary Award. Although your book has a Christian worldview, this was a secular competition. Obviously they saw your book contained some unique insight and encouragement for any audience. How is that?

 Tez: Maybe it’s because I didn’t try to get too deep or theological? I’m not sure. I talk a lot about the importance of having a personal relationship with God in order to effectively parent your child through a broken family situation. But if you know me, I just don’t get in people’s faces as a Bible-thumper. Sharing my faith is a more natural, relational thing with me. Perhaps the judges sensed this? I’m just thankful they acknowledged a religious book. I’m chalking it up to God’s grace.

It was certainly an honor to receive such a prestigious award and recently another award from Serious Writer. I’m blown away by how God is using the book to minister to single parents around the world. I currently have 2 single dads I’m mentoring solely because they heard about the book and contacted me.

A counselor I know gives copies to parents who are having marriage trouble. In Singapore, Teen Challenge uses it as a resource for single dads coming through their addiction recovery program to help them learn how to be better fathers. But actually more women buy the book than men. Mothers get it for their divorced sons. Women give copies to their boyfriends who have kids. I’m humbled by every story I hear.

 Linda: You’ve said it was difficult to write it because of the memories that surfaced. What led you to write it to begin with?

Tez: I really struggled. I’d been re-married several years and had moved so far past that season of darkness. I didn’t want to re-visit some memories.

But the Lord started giving me compassion for single dads, and I remembered how there just wasn’t anything out there for me when I was going through it. Especially books with a Christian worldview. What was available was too preachy for me. So I wrote something that would encourage guys with a little humor and offer some practical advice and action points.

 Linda: Many men build their lives on the idea that a wife, kids and a house equals success. When that crumbles down, where can they find their identity?

 Tez: That’s a great question because our identity needs to be grounded in Christ to begin with. If that’s not there when tragedy strikes, we’re in trouble. That’s where I found myself. I was a Christian but I didn’t really understand my identity as a child of God. I thought the American dream was where my self worth was. When that disappeared I was suddenly a man in my 30s with no real value to anyone. At least that’s what I believed.

I embraced the world’s view of who and what I was. In essence I allowed the world to place a price tag on my forehead. Suddenly that tag was marked down 95% and I was thrown in the bargain bin.

It can take a long time for the message of Christ to get from our heads down to our hearts. That’s what needed to happen with me. Thankfully the Holy Spirit began a work to reveal the value God placed on me. It was vital to my healing.

Linda: You’ve been happily married to Christine for 15 years now. But what about the single dad reading your book who is believing for a marital reconciliation? Do you support that?

Tez: Absolutely. God hates divorce and he desires for us to honor and keep those wedding vows of “…till death do us part.” I commend and respect couples like you and Marv who are able to work through some very heart-wrenching issues and preserve a marriage after long periods of painful separation. Some of these couples even re-marry one another…so even a divorce is not necessarily final. That’s what I want readers to hear.

In chapter 3 of The Single Dad Detour I mention the importance of attempting to restore your marriage. Divorce should always be a last resort. But I also know every couple has different situations. Not all marriages are in trouble because of unfaithfulness or desertion. And even for those marriages that are, the spouse who desires a reconciliation might be the very one who sinned but is now repentant.

Whatever the story, some folks don’t get the luxury of having a spouse who agrees that the marriage must be saved. So you may be all alone in hoping for marital restoration. But God is still there. He was for me.

When it became obvious my marriage was irreconcilable, I was swallowed up by an even darker shadow. Because I thought scripture wouldn’t allow me to marry again. I prepared to spend the rest of my life single.

While I was embracing some very cool opportunities to serve the Lord in ways only a single could, I still struggled as a man in my 30s, knowing loneliness and sexual temptation would always be part of my life.

It took a brave pastor to walk me through some scripture passages and show me I was free to remarry. Even after that, I was suspicious and didn’t trust women in general. I watched Christine for a year before I decided to court her.

It was scary for me but I’ve never dreamed marriage could be so fulfilling. Does this make me pro-divorce/remarriage? No. But life is messy. You don’t always get what you expected or planned for. And watching God redeem your life in spite of bad decisions is an amazing thing to experience.

Linda: What is one thing you want men to get from reading The Single Dad Detour?

Tez: I want readers to walk away encouraged to keep going. Whether God restores your marriage or not, he is coming alongside you in that journey. I want to challenge dads to step up to the plate in their parenting, while still trying to save the marriage if they can.

Outcomes are not always under our control, yet there is still hope for an abundant life if the marriage dissolves permanently. If men can celebrate what they’re doing right, while still leaning desperately on the Savior for hope, it will make the road they’re navigating much easier.

Linda: Where can people learn more about you and your book, The Single Dad Detour?

Tez: They can learn more me and The Single Dad Detour at www.everysingledad.com, on Facebook (everysingledad) or Twitter (tezd63) and they can also find the book on Amazon.

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Marriage on the Mend, Healing Your Marriage after Crisis, Separation or Divorce – Interview with Co-author Penny Bragg

Marriage on the Mend is a must-have book for couples who are trying to restore broken marriagesDO MIRACLES HAPPEN? Can marriages reconcile when it looks almost impossible for it to happen? YES, and the story of Clint and Penny Bragg proves the point.

But how the reconciliation takes place and how the marriage is mended  becomes an important part of this story. Clint and Penny’s book, Marriage on the Mend, Healing Your Marriage after Crisis, Separation or Divorce, is a must-have book for couples who are trying to restore broken marriages. And co-author Penny Bragg is here to tell you more about both their story and their book.

In our Marriage 911 classes, we have often  invited Clint and Penny to share their amazing story of reconciliation, and each time they come, they provide new hope for couples who thought their marriages might be over. However, in addition to their story, Clint and Penny’s book, Marriage on the Mend gives couples the tools to actually put their marriages back together, brick by brick, after they make the decision to reconcile.

Linda: Penny, you have an extraordinary testimony of reconciliation. After your divorce, did you ever think it would be possible to remarry each other?

Penny: Neither of us ever imagined God would reconcile our marriage. We had been divorced for over a decade and had absolutely NO contact with each other during those years. And when we say, “no contact,” we mean it. We had not spoken since the day our divorce papers were notarized citing, “Irreconcilable differences have caused the permanent breakdown of our marriage.” Once that happened, we each went our separate ways.

Early Married Life and How it All Unraveled

Linda: Were you Christians when you were married back in 1989?

Penny: Yes, we were Christians. We were married in the church and had a beautiful ceremony. However, we had no clue how to be married. We thought if we loved God and each other, that was enough. We were not mature enough in our faith to realize that we were going to have to work hard to have a good marriage. We also didn’t want to tell anyone we were struggling because we were in leadership positions in the church.

Linda: Yes, I’m afraid that can easily happen to people in leadership. Tell me though, were there specific issues that led up to your separation and divorce?

Penny: Yes, we can look back at it all now and see it so clearly. We both had a ton of baggage from our childhoods and secrets we never shared with one another. Those things seemed to subtly crawl out from under the carpet and creep in between us. We had gone on a mission trip together after our first year of marriage and when we came back, that’s when the division started. We couldn’t really put our finger on what was wrong. Clint could feel me pulling away, but we didn’t have good communication skills to work through things. He started getting worried because I was spending a lot of time away from our house and away from him. He confronted me about an affair, but I denied it.

Linda: Did you attempt to reconcile after you were separated?

Penny: I was the one who walked out. I wasn’t being honest with Clint. I was being unfaithful to him and to God. Clint tried to do all the right things to reconcile, but I would have NONE of it. The more he pursued me, the more I ran away. When he showed up unexpectedly at my workplace, I threw my wedding ring across the room at him. It was ugly. I was ugly. I closed my Bible and I closed my heart. I understand now that I had never really let Jesus heal all the wounds from my childhood and that I took out all that pain on Clint. He now understands that he was doing the same thing to me.

Reconciliation and Remarriage

Linda: I’ve heard you share your amazing story of how God started the ball of reconciliation rolling. Would you share with our readers what happened?

Penny: Unbeknownst to either of us at the time, God had paralleled our lives during our eleven years apart. But, He never allowed us to intersect. What we didn’t know was that we had both recommitted our lives to Christ after wandering our own paths away from Him. We finally let Him reach down and touch all the wounds in our hearts. I was working with a Christian counselor, trying to heal and bring closure to things in my life that I had broken through sin. The LAST thing on my list was contacting Clint, even though he should have been at the top. I was too scared after all I had done to him. I had NO intention to try and reconcile, just to heal and confess the truth to him. I also wanted to ask his forgiveness and apologize for what I had done.

Linda: The rest of the details of your incredible reconciliation are in your book, Marriage on the Mend, right? Tell me more about your remarriage and your book.

Penny: Yes, Marriage on the Mend—Healing Your Relationship After Crisis, Separation, or Divorce, Authors Clint and Penny Bragg(Kregel, 2015) contains our story. But it also covers the first five years of our remarriage to each other. Once we remarried in 2002, we had a mountain of consequences to overcome. People tend to think that you just reconcile and then cross it off your list. WRONG. Reconciliation is something we work on every day. We’ve now been remarried for almost 13 years. We’ve learned over and over again that reconciliation is not about following a recipe, it’s about following Jesus Christ. God did not allow us to have contact with each other until we had both reconciled our relationships with Him.

Tools for Reconciling

Linda: What great insight! So often, couples want to just repair the marriage itself, but until their hearts are right with God, it’s hard for them to get their hearts right with each other. What would you say are the main tools that have helped you build a strong marriage the second time around?

Penny: There are many tools that have helped us along the way. During our first remarriage conflict, God really got our attention. We didn’t want to fail at our marriage again. We were desperate for Him. We also didn’t have any counselor or books that seemed to meet our needs. But, we had both established a strong relationship with God which included meeting with Him alone daily. That is the most important thing in our remarriage that has made all the difference. In addition, we never leave the house without praying together in the morning first. We also meet together once-a-week to read the Word and pray together. Having prayer/accountability partners is another must in our marriage. Those people have permission to call us on the carpet when needed. They are our marriage advocates. We also get away with God each quarter to really talk about the deeper issues in our marriage, to seek Him together, set goals, and assess our progress. All of these tools have drastically cut down the conflict in our marriage.

Linda: What are some of the hardest issues you think couples must deal with after they reconcile?

Penny: Unforgiveness and bitterness over past mistakes seems to plague most couples who reconcile. The key is learning to accept forgiveness and reconciliation as a PROCESS…an ongoing process that takes time and effort. In addition, couples must learn a way out of the cycle or revolving door that gets them stuck in the same offense or argument over and over again. We have several tools in our book to address these issues.

Linda: Tell me about the QR codes in Marriage on the Mend and why you wanted to integrate video into the reading experience.

Penny: As former educators in the public school system, we know how important it is to model the things that are taught. People need to see tools and concepts in action to understand how to apply them. We were thrilled when our publisher, Kregel, suggested we take all the video podcasts we had made and link them right into the book using QR codes. That way, as you read you can scan the QR code with your Smartphone or tablet and see a visual demonstration of each tool. There are 40 podcasts connected and threaded into Marriage on the Mend. We also posted all those videos on the Internet so people can access them for free, even if they haven’t read the book. They can also be accessed through our website http://www.InverseMinistriesPodcast.org or on our Marriage on the Mend YouTube channel. https://www.youtube.com/user/MarriageontheMend

Advice for the Separated or Divorced

Linda: A number of the people reading this may be separated or divorced. What advice would you give?

Penny: Focus on strengthening your individual relationship with God daily. We designed some free resources to help you do that, including our “Give God 40 Days” devotional. We also have a resource entitled, “Do the Desert Well,” which encourages you with specific ways to allow God to change and heal your heart. Just e-mail us at reconcile@inverseministries.org and we are more than happy to send these to you. We also have a set of 40 scripture/prayer cards to deepen your prayer life. We know how painful the journey is for those who feel like their spouse or ex-spouse is showing NO signs of reconciliation. That’s why we created so many resources to walk alongside those who feel like there is no hope. If God can reconcile our marriage, He can reconcile ANY marriage!

Linda: Where can people find out more about your book, Marriage on the Mend?

Penny: Our website has all the information about this book and others we’ve written about marriage, including what others are saying and an informational video. http://www.InverseMinistries.org.

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Change Me First, Then Heal My Marriage

EACH YEAR DURING OUR CRISIS MARRIAGE CLASSES, participants from former years come to share their stories. One year, after we had dismissed to our small groups, I asked the women what they wanted to see happen in the coming weeks of class. One woman said, “I’ve seen all these couples come and tell us how their marriages have been restored, and one thing every one of them has said is that God changed them first, and then He healed their marriage. So I want to see how God wants to change me.”

Her perceptive comment impressed me greatly. And in the following weeks, I saw her listen to every word, ponder every idea, question what she didn’t understand, and own her mistakes as God opened her eyes to see them. Throughout our time together, she readily allowed God to make changes in her. Although her husband had initially said he wanted a divorce and had no interest in reconciling, a year later he decided to come to the class also, and their marriage was restored.

Change? What Me?

When crisis tears a marriage apart, something in the marriage is broken, and change is needed. Most people agree, but believe the change needs to happen in THE OTHER PERSON. And once they realize they can’t control or change their spouse, they believe the situation is hopeless.

But there is one person you do have control over. There is one person you can change. And that is YOU. Instead of focusing on your spouse’s faults and their contributions to the problems in your marriage, focus on your own.

Often we have blind spots when it comes to our own deficiencies, and we just don’t see them.  They are hidden from our eyes, buried beneath our personal assumptions, generational patterns of behavior, personal pride, and accumulated life experiences.  Scripture addresses this truth in Luke 6:42.

“how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself DO NOT SEE the plank that is in your own eye? . . . First remove the plank from your own eye, and THEN YOU WILL SEE CLEARLY to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye.” (Emphasis added.)

How Do We Start?

So it all begins with you and your heavenly Father as you trust him to show you the truths about yourself. If you are willing to let God take you down a path of change, you may be surprised at the revelations He will show you on your journey. As you peer into the mirror of God’s Word with a humble spirit, one by one you may begin to see shortcomings in your own life that need change. These may include projected assumptions from past wounds that still need healing, negative approaches in your communication, reactions you have that demonstrate unhealthy attitudes, or ingrained outlooks or mindsets that are contrary to what pleases God.

By spending time in prayer, reading the Bible, listening to Christian radio and podcasts, reading Christian books and articles, and talking with Christian friends, the Lord can reveal to you your part in the marital breakdown and help you make changes that may eventually restore your relationship.

One thing to keep in mind, however, is that your intention is not to modify your behavior just to please your spouse, but to transform yourself into the person God created you to be.

God has plans for you. His desire is to draw you ever closer to Himself and grow you into a new and stronger person. You are His precious child, and a marital crisis may be the vehicle He uses to refine you into the person He first envisioned you to be.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:12).

To learn more about some of the changes you can make that will impact your marriage and potentially turn your marriage around, you can find help for a troubled marriage in my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated.

 

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Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity – Interview with Co-Author, Mona Shriver

WHEN INFIDELITY INVADES the sacred protection of marriage, shock waves strike at the very foundation of the relationship. The revelation brings unbelievable pain, and many marriages don’t survive. But they can. There is hope. According to Mona and Gary Shriver, authors of Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity, a marriage can heal from the trauma of infidelity and eventually thrive once again.

For them, this isn’t just a theory. It’s personal. They have lived both the devastation and the recovery. And Mona is here to share from her heart what she learned from this experience and what she can now pass onto others about the hope and healing that is possible. Their story and their book, Unfaithful, is one I regularly recommend to those in our classes, and I am so pleased to be able to introduce her to you today.

Linda: Mona, I know your book, Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity, is based on your personal story, and that you and your husband went through adultery in your own marriage. What led you to share such a deeply personal journey?

Mona: I was absolutely blind sighted by Gary’s admission of being unfaithful. I never, ever thought this could happen to us. Never thought Gary would be capable of such a thing.

Gary and I had been married twenty years. Happily, I thought. We had three active boys between the ages of seven and fourteen. Life was busy. We were Christians. We were best friends. The revelation of his adultery made me question everything I thought I knew, including myself. Gary wanted to save our marriage and I knew that was in line with God’s word. But frankly, I didn’t believe for one minute that we could heal. I knew our marriage was over, but I also knew I had to “try” so that when we did divorce, I could say we tried.

What I learned, what we learned, during that process was the reason we wrote Unfaithful. I learned that you can rebuild, or even build anew, a marriage with love, trust, intimacy and respect after infidelity. What we call a healthy marriage. It can be done. God can do it if you’ll both follow Him in the rebuilding. It was the hardest thing either of us has ever done but we are so glad we did.

Most people don’t believe that. That’s because all we normally see are marriages that didn’t heal. We had been told couples healed but when I asked to speak with someone who had done it, no one could be found. Later our counselor asked us to be that couple for someone else.

That’s how Hope & Healing Ministries began. The four of us met for a while, then began working alongside couples in our support groups. As we watched what God was doing for these marriages, the book just had to be written so others could hear the same words of hope.

Linda: You said marriages can heal from infidelity. People can heal. Tell my readers how that can actually happen. What does it take?   

Mona: We tell couples only two things are required to start the healing process. First is a willingness to try. Both of you willing to work together to try and heal. This doesn’t mean you really believe you can do it. I didn’t. You may not know how you feel about the person you’re married to right now. Very understandable. It just means you’ll try.

That meant I would first commit to God. Sitting at God’s feet, seeking His guidance, being willing to do things His way.

The bottom line was that it wasn’t about what I had done or hadn’t done—blame. It wasn’t about trying to control my spouse or making sure our efforts were “even.” It wasn’t about making anybody happy. And it wasn’t about single handedly saving a marriage or manipulating healing. It was about being the person God created me to be whether I remained married or became single. It was about doing my part and not settling for anything less than real healing.

The second requirement is transparent honesty. Answering questions honestly. Expressing what you think and feel as best you can with as much kindness and respect as possible. This is not the time to acquiesce without input. Honesty sets the foundation for healing, and without it, the work you think you’ve done will crumble when the dishonesty is exposed. And everything counts right now. This is hard stuff, and sometimes you have the opportunity to apologize for how you communicated a truth. But as you continue to work together, you can learn how to better communicate. This is where support and a good Christian counselor can help you with new and better tools. We sure didn’t know what to do or how to do it. Some of us need to speak up more. Some of us need to be quiet more. Both of us need to listen. And treat each other with respect, not because they “deserve it” but because God asked us to treat all people with respect.

Linda: Someone might say, “I’m not sure I want to save this marriage.” Now what?

Mona: The revelation of adultery is comparable to the sudden death of someone you love. It is a trauma and it is that big. It overwhelms your ability to adapt. There are physiological changes in your brain that effect how you process information. You’re a mess—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That means this is not the best time to make major life changing decisions.

So what do you do? Focus on healing. Even if you separate, the healing is still the focus. There is a wound and it’s huge. It needs to heal. And if your spouse is willing to work through that healing process with you, then that can make your healing a bit easier.

If you have children, this person will continue to be a part of your life whether or not the marriage heals. Your children have two parents and no amount of anger or bitterness will change that. In fact, those most hurt by unhealed wounds are the children. So go ahead and invest the time and effort towards healing. Your kids are worth it.

You can focus on healing because you really have nothing more to lose. Your life is already in chaos. The truth is that the quickest way out of this pain and to feeling good about life again is to heal. There is a third choice beside giving up (divorce) and giving in (staying in a miserable relationship) and that is to heal. As the healing progresses you will be better prepared to consider those life changing decisions.

Linda: How long does it take to heal from infidelity? 

Mona: The truly honest answer is that it takes as long as it takes. It takes until both of you agree the healing is complete.

So what does a healed marriage look like? How do you know when it’s done? As you work through the process, gain some understanding, grieve that which was lost, and resurrect that which is necessary, the acute pain goes away. You will never forget—that is impossible. But it will not dominate your thoughts or control your life like it does in the beginning. It will become a sad memory. But we all live with sad memories in our lives—that doesn’t mean we quit living.

Healing is complete when both of you feel you can approach your spouse with anything. Now that doesn’t mean all your talks are fun—we are still human beings after all. The point is to listen to each other and treat each other with respect and kindness even if we don’t agree so we can reach decisions with which we can both live.

The realization that we were fully healed came in retrospect. It happened so slowly I missed the moment. That was okay.

Linda: What else can help couples heal from adultery? 

Mona: Educate yourself on this process of healing. Unfortunately, not all therapists and pastors agree on the best way to heal from adultery. That can not only be confusing it can make it more difficult. We have several recommendations on our website at Hope & Healing Ministries. hopeandhealingministries.us

We also have a free resource available that might be a good place to start. The Crisis Support Booklet offers ten foundational truths in bite-sized pieces about adultery recovery with encouragement from others who have walked this path. Go to the website, click “Couples Support”, click “Infidelity Recovery” and scroll down to “Crisis Support Booklet.” Each person will benefit from having their own copy.

Linda: Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers? 

Mona: There is so much more I wish I could share. So many have questions on forgiveness, trust and so much more. Unfortunately not all can be addressed here. But you can find answers that will aid your journey to healing.

Oswald Chambers says this. “It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something”. I found this so true in the journey of our healing. I had some “unlearning” to do.

This healing journey is not easy but it is so worth it. Gary nor I are the same people we were before we went through the healing process to rebuild our marriage. And quite frankly, we’re glad. We like ourselves and each other a whole lot more.

You don’t have to go through this alone. There are resources out there to help you. We encourage you to seek and access the resources you need. May the Lord give you the wisdom and the strength to complete the journey.

Linda: Speaking of resources, how can your book Unfaithful help couples who decide they want to try to work through the healing after infidelity takes place in their marriage?

Mona: Our book, Unfaithful: Hope and Healing after Infidelity is written from the perspective of a couple who has been through adultery recovery. By switching back and forth between the perspective of the betrayer and the one betrayed, the book helps couples better understand each other’s experience as they move through the process of healing.

This book conveys some common elements of the healing process along with Biblical principles to help guide readers through recovery. There is also a section on emotional affairs. When the book was revised we were able to add a lot of what we’d learned from the experts and from the hundreds of couples we’ve been privileged to walk alongside. And at the end of each chapter we’ve included discussion questions that can be a great way to begin addressing the issues couples face as they work through their recovery.

Linda: I know in the past you’ve also had marriage intensives for couples after infidelity. Please tell us about them and what you’re doing currently.

Mona: We will always talk with and support couples as long as we’re breathing so we’re not quitting ministry, but we are making changes to the method in which we deliver it. We did Weekend Intensives from 2010 through 2019 and had basically decided to cease offering those when COVID hit. So we’re spending this time making videos of what we consider to be our most important sessions from those weekends. They are filmed and currently being edited so should be available within a few months. Gary just happens to be a professional audio video engineer so he’s just beginning the editing portion of this project. These will also be available on YouTube. We’ll be notifying those on our email list when they’re ready.

Linda: How can people find out more about you, your book Unfaithful, and your ministry?

Mona: People can reach out to us by going to our website, http://hopeandhealing.us.

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The Challenge of Letting Go

Photo by Zac Durant

RESTORING A BROKEN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP encompasses a number of steps and heart changes along the way. But as I’ve walked beside people over the years, the most important one that takes place in an individual’s heart prior to the marriage actually being restored is when the one fighting for the marriage is able to truly let go and give it to God.

It’s hard to do though, and it’s not easy to understand.

I talk about it a lot, and as I think about it today, I remember a conversation I had years ago at a get-together with some women who were struggling through marital separation. One of the women whose marriage had already made tremendous progress toward healing, began talking about the importance of “letting go.”

The young woman beside me knit her brow with a perplexed expression and frowned. “I get right to the point of being able to let go,” she said, pinching her fingers together as though about to drop something, “and then . . . I just can’t do it.”

The woman next to her nodded. “That’s right. Me too. That’s how I am.”

An Image from The Lord of the Rings

My husband Marv and I had recently watched all three DVD’s of The Lord of the Rings movie, and as my friend spoke, my mind immediately conjured up the image of Frodo standing on the cliff at the end of the movie. He holds his hand over the edge of the precipice with the ring dangling at the end of the chain. Beneath, is the raging fire which has been his destination all through the movie. It is the one place where he can release the ring, see it destroyed, and with it destroy the evil that is taking over Middle Earth. All he has to do is release the ring and freedom can reign once again.

“That reminds me of the ending of The Lord of the Rings,” I said. “All through the movie Frodo has been besieged by the evil that the ring has brought to Middle Earth. He has witnessed again and again the destructive power of the ring and how it corrupts those who lust over it.  He’s seen the damage, the death, the devastation that it causes. And with amazing strength of character, he has persevered through all of that. He’s survived the struggle, the hardship, the temptation. He’s been willing to traverse the darkest lands and oppressive terrains and he’s endured the threats of horrendous creatures in order to get to the mountain where he can destroy the evil.  But when he gets to the very end, when he’s finally there, he stands at the edge of the cliff, dangling the ring at the end of the chain. He stares at it, but can’t let go.

Sam yells to him, “Let it GO! Just let GO!”

But he can’t.

The seductive power of the ring has taken hold.”

The Trouble with Surrendering and Letting Go

As we continued to talk that evening about the challenge of letting go, I shared with my friends how The Lord of the Rings presents a perfect visual image of the struggle we have with surrendering everything to God.

Like Frodo, we don’t want to lose control. The ring of power holds us captive. Even though it means our fleshly nature will reign instead of God’s will, we can’t put it all in God’s hands. The desire to be in control holds sway over us—especially when we’re afraid that if we let go, God might not do what we want Him to do.

How many times have I seen or heard from a woman or man whose greatest desire is to reunite with their spouse? They’ve gone through the anguish, they’ve suffered hardship to get things to change. But they are unable to surrender to God to let Him take care of it. We want to do it by ourselves, even though our own methods have already failed. We somehow think if we think about it enough, talk about it enough, remind our spouse enough times, things will somehow change. We’re locked in a pattern where we keep repeating the same actions. We’re traveling in circles, or worse, we’re pushing our spouse further away. We’re afraid if we put it in God’s hands, He’ll do something we won’t like. The fear of losing control, the desire to do it our own way keeps us in bondage. We can’t let go.

But God, who created us, who created our world, who is omnipotent and sees everything . . . understands what is happening; He has answers we don’t have. He knows our spouse inside and out, just like he also knows us. He can “work all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose*” if we can surrender it all to Him and let go of having to control it ourselves.

First, however, we have to summon the inner strength to follow through so we can let go and trust Him. He is the Good that will banish evil. He is the Light that will shine in the darkness. He is the Word of God who will enlighten our understanding and point us in the right direction.

So as we stand on that precipice, holding that ring of power, we have to have the will, the faith, the strength to let it go.

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you (Mathew 6:33).

*(Rom. 8:28)

If your marriage is in trouble and you need to know how to fight for it, letting go is an important part of experiencing the victory. My books, Broken Heart on Hold and Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated can show you the path through the labyrinth of confusion so you can find the hope God has for you.

Nest week: Perhaps the hardest issue of all–infidelity.

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Women, Do You Know How to Fight for and Save Your Marriage?

Photo by Kristina V

STORIES CAN SOMETIMES BE A BETTER TEACHING TOOL than mere words of instruction. So today, for you women who want to save your marriage, I want to tell you the story of Wendy. This is a sad story, but sometimes sad stories can show us the way to happier endings.

When Wendy’s husband left, her world fell apart. She never saw it coming. Her husband had been a loving and caring provider. Now suddenly, he said he was leaving. Her mind spun in confusion as she watched him pack up his things. Her heart raced.

“Where are you going?” she asked. “Why are you doing this?”

He shook his head and nuzzled the head of their dog, then headed toward the door.

She grabbed his arm. “I don’t understand. Why are you leaving? When are you coming back?”

“I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. I need a break.”

As he reached for the door handle, tears began streaming down her face. “I can’t believe you’re doing this! Why are you leaving? Where are you going?”

“I’m sorry. I’ll give you a call.” The door closed firmly behind him and soon she heard the car engine roar to life. From the window, she watched his truck pull out of the driveway and head down the street. Wendy stood watching for a moment in shock, then collapsed on the couch.

For the next several days, Wendy walked around like one of the living dead. Her mind was in a fog. She was heartbroken. She called a couple of her friends. They were shocked too, but didn’t know what to say. She called her husband on the phone, hoping he would explain, but his answers were vague and unsettling. She suggested counseling, but he said he couldn’t do it right now. He wouldn’t know what to say.

With the shock and heartbreak of her husband’s sudden departure, Wendy’s reactions were very normal at this point.

But after the initial pain, she had a choice. What direction would she take from this point forward?

A Wrong Direction

Wendy could not push back the pain of her emotions and they began to spiral out of control. Her mind spun in every direction with fears, anger, regrets. For days she’d lie in bed, too depressed to even get up to dress and comb her hair or take calls from friends who wanted to help. The best she could do was nibble on some crackers, feed the dog and let him out in the backyard when he needed to go outside. She could think of nothing except the terrible pain her husband was causing her, and as her emotions changed from day to day—sometimes from hour to hour—she called her husband. Sometimes she called to beg him to come home, other times she sobbed on the phone, asking what was to become of her. More than once, she sent long texts lashing out at him, accusing him, berating him, telling him what a terrible person he was.

“How can you do this to me? How can you treat me this way!” she asked. She called mutual friends and asked them to call too.

Finally, one of Wendy’s friends suggested she take a class at church for those whose marriages were in crisis. Wendy went, and for the first time, she experienced hope.

A New Opportunity

She was told if she wanted to save her marriage, “you need to give your husband space – to put your husband on the back burner and focus on God.” Leaders told her to pray for her husband, say positive things to him when they had contact, and refrain from criticizing him. This was a time for her to put aside all expectations from her husband and simply be a giving, positive friend to him. She was even encouraged to take care of herself and do things she enjoyed without her husband. The other women in her group were dealing with similar situations, and she found the group atmosphere to be encouraging.

She began doing many of the things she was told to do, and her husband began to respond in positive ways. He even began dropping by the house on occasion, admitting to her that he still loved her but felt suffocated by her neediness.

She tried to put into practice the things they talked about in her class, but it was hard. In fact, one thing she just couldn’t do. The women were told to “let go” of their spouses, not to expect anything from them, and trust God with their emotions. She just didn’t understand how to do this. She loved her husband. She wanted him back. She wanted him to love her. She couldn’t let go of him and tell God she would be alright if her husband didn’t come back. She knew for a fact that she wouldn’t be alright if her husband didn’t come back. She needed her husband in her life. Yes, God was good and powerful, but He wasn’t a substitute for her husband. She couldn’t take a chance on letting go of her husband.

One evening her husband came over to visit, but instead of focusing on her and talking with her, all he did was play with their golden retriever. Her initial pain of abandonment returned. Self-pity took hold. But instead of taking her feelings to God to lay the pain at his feet, she just couldn’t keep from saying what was on her mind. “You love the dog more than me,” she complained to her husband.

Her husband didn’t respond but continued playing with the dog.

Although Wendy knew the importance of letting go and keeping things positive when she spent time with her husband, once again her emotions pulled her off balance. She couldn’t resist expressing her dissatisfaction with her husband’s lack of attention. The need for her husband’s love and affirmation held her hostage to her emotions. Her neediness was driving him away. Surrendering her pain to God would have released her from her obsession, providing God the opportunity to breathe a new sense of freedom, love, and commitment into her husband’s heart. But she couldn’t let go and slowly lapsed back into her former pattern of accusing him and pleading with him to come home.

Eventually, her husband stopped coming by. He went days without returning calls and texts. Her broken heart lay in pieces as the relationship slowly ebbed away.

Doesn’t Have To Be This Way if You Want to Save Your Marriage

I hate these sad endings because I know there’s a better way. If you want to save your marriage, the answers lay in the hands of our loving Father. He has a plan for us. He knows where our path will lead. He knows our needs and the needs of our partners. And He can put it all together. But we have to trust Him. We have to lay it all at His feet. We need to surrender our spouses, our marriages, our circumstances, to Him and let Him take control. Then we need to step back, wait, and trust Him for His timing while staying tuned for His voice and following His lead when He tells us to act. While we wait, He will build us up and give us His strength so we are stronger than we were before, strong enough to handle whatever comes our way. Isaiah 40:31 assures us, “Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”

There’s another story with a happier ending I invite you to read as well. A true story I posted on Heart Talk in the past . . . the story of Marta. If you want to see a story of success, a story where the woman took the right path, surrendered her marriage to God, and ended up restoring her marriage, Marta’s story is a story that will encourage you as you take steps to save your own marriage..

Yes, unfortunately, we need to acknowledge the fact that our marriages may not survive. We may not be able to save our marriage. Our spouses’ heart may not turn back. God allows them to have free will and make their own decisions. But when placing our situations in the hands of our loving Father, He will make all things new for us and give us a new beginning—either with our partner or by taking us down a new and equally fulfilling road that He prepares for us when we continue to follow His lead.

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope ad a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

Next week: The Challenge of Letting Go

If you want to save your marriage, I encourage you to get my book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated. It will walk you step by step through the labyrinths of this difficult journey so you can find the happy ending you are looking for.

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