Separated But Healing

Does a Separation Mean the End of a Marriage or Can It Bring a New Beginning?

Man and woman standing close to each other on beach

Photo by Carly Rae Hobbins

FOR TWO YEARS their fighting had escalated, with tension and bitterness mounting month after month. When Jim and Kelly were together physically, the emotional and spiritual distance between them gnawed at their insides. Each fight ended with Jim walking out the door and slamming it behind him. But he always came back.

“I can’t stand this anymore!” Kelly cried as Jim headed toward the door one evening during another argument. “You get mad at me, then leave. We never resolve anything. When you come back, you act like nothing happened. Well!” she announced in exasperation. “It’s not going to happen this time.”

And it didn’t. This time when Jim left, he didn’t return. It was six weeks later in a counselor’s office before they saw each other again.

How Many Couples are Separated?

While divorce and infidelity visibly tear Christian marriages apart, marital separation maintains a silent and growing presence in our churches and communities where many couples languish silently in the shadows. Usually perceived as a precursor to divorce, separation is the awkward stepchild that no one knows how to handle. Yet the numbers are staggering. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, more than 2.5 million couples were separated in the year 2000. A report from a Gallup poll translates the numbers into astounding percentages: “If you have ever been married, the odds are 50-50 that you’ve either been divorced, separated or seriously close to separation. If you’re between the ages of 35 and 54, those odds increase to two out of three.”

Marriage counselor Dr. Willard F. Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs, maintains that 15 to 20 percent of married couples end their lives permanently separated. Although these numbers reflect an enormous need, few churches know what to do for couples who separate.

“Everybody kept telling me to go to singles,” says Michelle Williams, who was separated from her husband for two years. “They kept talking about divorce recovery. And I kept telling people, including pastors, ‘But I’m not divorced. I’m not single. I’m married.’ But there was nothing for people who were separated.” The only place that offered any hope to someone who was separated was the singles program, and the hope you found there was in meeting singles who were divorced. So divorce became the only hope anybody offered.

Added to this lack of direction from churches is a general scarcity of resources for the separated in the larger marketplace. While a Christian bookstore might carry an entire shelf of books on divorce recovery, a customer is fortunate to find one book on surviving separation. The truth is, there is a huge gap in resources for married couples swimming through the murkiest of waters.

What Hope Exists for the Separated?

So the question lingering in the minds of most onlookers is, what real hope is there for couples once they separate? Isn’t it already too late? Isn’t the possibility of reconciliation extremely slim?

To the contrary: according to Howard Weinberg in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, one third of women who attempt to reconcile their marriages succeed in doing so. And somewhere in the fabric of the general population, 10 percent of currently married couples in the United States have experienced a separation and reconciliation at some point in their marriage. A report from the Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) shows that almost half of those who separate do not divorce within the first year. Longer than three years, however, divorce is more likely.

Some suggest we view a separated couple as we would a friend diagnosed with cancer. With proper treatment, there is a good chance of recovery. Left alone, the marriage will probably not make it.

What people need is hope. “If you only have one friend who says, ‘I think you guys are going to make it,’ even one friend giving you that hope, it is light in a dark place,” says Dwight Bain, a licensed mental health counselor and certified family law mediator.
A couple who is left alone through a separation “is the saddest thing ever,” says Williams, who with husband Joe founded “Marriage 911 God’s Way,” a phenomenally successful program for those who are separated. “When you’re separated and all alone, without the right kind of counsel, your marriage will end in divorce.”

Marriage 911 God’s Way has reached into 325 churches both nationally and internationally over the past twenty years. According to the Williamses, the program achieves an enormous success rate for couples who go through it together and even when just one partner participates many marriages are restored. “At least 50 percent of the time,” they report, “when a couple separates, only one person is interested in working on it.” Consequently, one advantage of Marriage 911 God’s Way is one member of the couple can do it alone, and they can begin immediately. The program stresses having an accountability partner of the same gender while working through a workbook. Churches can work with one or both members of the couple individually, or hold classes where men and women sit on different sides of the room so that those without a willing spouse are comfortable attending.

A few books on separation have begun to offer hope as well. Two books by Linda W. Rooks, Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, and Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated, have helped many make it through this difficult time. Marriage Off Course by Clint and Penny Bragg and Hope for the Separated by Gary Chapman also focus on helping those who are separated.

Bridging the Gap Between Separation and Restoration

How then do we help couples through the mire of marital breakdown?

Steven W. Harley, M.S., son of Dr. Willard F. Harley and a specialist in infidelity counseling, sums up the reason for divorce in one word. “When it’s all boiled down,” he says, “the fact is that divorce is caused by hopelessness.”

Roger Shepherd, a licensed mental health counselor specializing in marriage and family counseling, agrees. “It is hopelessness that things will ever be different, that we will ever find what we’re looking for in this relationship. Then what feeds the hopelessness [in a separation] is you become more and more isolated, more and more alone. You find fewer and fewer places where you feel comfortable.”

“And if the only place you can find hope is in a singles class,” adds Michelle Williams, “where you’re meeting people who tell you, ‘Look, you’re going to be OK. I’m divorced, and I’m OK,’ then [separated people] begin to see their only hope in the form of a good divorce. People get separated out of frustration; the divorce becomes final out of hopelessness.”

And that’s where friends, pastors and counselors fit in.

Friends help when “they’re showing up and taking an interest,” says Shepherd. “I don’t mean coming in and telling them what to do, but coming in and giving them a safe place to be honest. That’s why I think counseling is so important; it’s a safe place. What bothers me,” Shepherd continues, “is that when people don’t know what to do, they don’t get involved. It’s just like, even when people are grieving the loss of a loved one, people don’t know what to do, so they tend to stay distant. That is the problem.”

“Give your friend hope,” advise the Williamses. “They’re in a situation where they’re feeling lonely and embarrassed, maybe embarrassed to go to church without their spouse. So you want to create an atmosphere for them where they can grow closer to the Lord. Go with them to church or Bible study or a retreat.”

Counselors agree this is not the time to arrange a date for them. Remember they are separated, not divorced. The worst thing you can do, says Dr. Jim Talley, is tell a separated person to “get on with your life.”

Probably the best news for separated couples is the emergence of couple mentoring programs that are turning marriages around in incredible numbers.

Retrouvaille, now in its 45th year, is “an extraordinary program that works miracles!” reports one couple whose marriage was successfully restored after a three-year separation. “It is so well planned, it enables your hearts to really connect again. I would recommend, before any couple divorces, they go to Retrouvaille. It will save their marriage.”

In fact, studies show a 75 percent success rate for couples who complete the program, even though at least a third are separated when they come to the weekend. “Some are even divorced,” report Roger and Pat Bate, who were once the international coordinating couple. Retrouvaille consists of a weekend and six follow-up sessions led by peer couples whose own marriages have recovered from serious trauma. “The tools we give the couple provide them the opportunity to develop real closeness and intimacy,” says Bate, “a closeness that allows them to deal with issues from a posture of combined strength, couple strength. All of a sudden they find they’re successful in attacking the issues because they’re attacking them together rather than attacking one another.”

Separations That Heal

What may seem surprising is that many counselors actually recommend a short separation as part of the healing process for marriages in distress. Bain cites 1 Corinthians 7:5, which allows for a couple to be apart for the purpose of prayer and fasting, as a basis for a separation of up to 40 days. He derives the time period from the 40 days that Jesus fasted and prayed. “Longer than that,” the counselor says, “and I want to see extreme structure” so it does not become a precursor to divorce. For couples who need a longer separation, he drafts a contract between the husband and wife, outlining how money will be handled, how often they will see each other, and parenting responsibilities. “Separation is for the purpose of restoration, not a prelude to divorce,” Bain says. “It is about building a new relationship between the two parties. It’s a time for each of them to deal with the hardness in their hearts so they can save the marriage.” Bain typically structures a separation from one to six months.

Perhaps the biggest question is, who makes it through a separation and who doesn’t? A disturbing DHHS statistic shows separations more likely turn into divorce for Protestant Christians than for Catholics and non-Christians. Why? Bain suggests a serious reason many Christian couples fail to reconcile is that “they’re embarrassed to seek help. Couples need to break through that embarrassment and realize healthy people seek help. Even one person can get help to save a relationship from a relationship cancer.”

And for those who do get help, what is the secret of restoring a torn-apart marriage? “The number one thing,” say the Williamses, “is that they learn to take their focus off their spouse to meet all their needs. They get their focus on God, get the log out of their own eye, begin working on their own individual issues, and wait to see what God does.”

For those who reconcile then, what is the prognosis? Are they happy, or do they just endure each other?

Bain does not hesitate. “I think the ones who truly have let God change their hearts are the happiest people on the planet. Because now they have the marriage of their dreams. They just don’t have the baggage of a broken and failed marriage.”

This blog post is a revised and updated version of an article that first appeared in Light and Life Magazine, May/June 2003

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Righteous Relationship Reset, Interview with Author Sherri Downs

Book cover of Righteous Relationship ResetCAN YOU “RESET” your marriage, and in effect, start over? Author Sherri Downs believes you can. In her book, Righteous Relationship Reset, she shares personally how God reset her own marriage by meticulously unwrapping the message God gave her when her marriage was in trouble. I recently did an interview with her on her Marriage Matters podcast, where Sherri seeks to provide listeners with hope and help on their marriage journeys. Sherri has a real heart to see marriages strengthened and uses her multi-media talents to do just that.

Linda: Sherri, tell me why you wrote a book about marriage reset?

Sherri: I identify the word reset in the terms of a fresh start. I’ve often heard “we serve a God of a second chances.” So, after experiencing devastation in my marriage, which, I share in my book Righteous Relationship Reset, I began to petition God to reset my marriage as if the devastation had never happened. As God began to restore and reset my marriage, I began to feel the call to share the message of hope, restoration, and a fresh start.

Linda: Why do you think marriages sometimes need to be reset?

Sherri: Unfortunately, we live in a broken world system and there will always be forces both natural and spiritual that will test our humanity. And the fact of the matter is, sometimes we pass, and sometimes we fail. Marriage is a relationship that is designed to be till death do us part. Humans are not perfect. On the contrary, we are flawed, and in marriage we will make mistakes. Those mistakes will need forgiveness and an ability to start afresh and reset. Now a reset doesn’t wipe away consequences, but it does give you a chance to not allow them to hold you back as you choose humility and forgiveness.

Linda: What do you believe was the intent of God for marriage?

Sherri: God created marriage with the intent that man and woman would live in harmony with one another. The newly created beings were to be fruitful, multiply, and replenish the earth. God took the expression of the relationship and created a covenant with Adam and Eve which would mirror the trinity, God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The two human beings were pure yet untested.

Linda: What does reconciliation look like in marriage?

Sherri: We are all called to be more like Jesus, and the ministry of Jesus is reconciliation. Forgiveness does not always equal reconciliation. However, reconciliation comes as one follows the leading of Holy Spirit and the display of true repentance. God requires that no one become a doormat to destructive behaviors. True repentance has the attributes of honesty, acknowledgement of offense, remorse over the action, accountability, and actions that display evidence of change.

Linda: In marriage, you’ve said in your book, Righteous Relationship Reset, that unrealistic expectations can rob couples of embracing the beauty of relationship. Can you explain what you mean and how one can change this?

Sherri: Unrealistic expectations are a result of an assumption we should receive something from someone which they do not have the capacity Photo of Sherri Downsto give. The only person that can meet all our needs is God, and we are to live with the understanding that He is our ultimate source. This is not to say that we are never to expect things from our spouse. However, proper communication to verbally express those expectations is key. Then after the expectations are verbalized each can come to an understanding whether they can be met by the other spouse. I believe when we accept each person for who they are while providing grace to grow we may experience a beauty of evolving as a couple.

Linda: That is such an important point. But you stress another point as well. When and how does one place proper boundaries around their marriage?

Sherri: I’ve come to understand that boundaries are needed around everything. The world is an expression of that—streets, oceans, forests, continents, and seas all have boundaries. If boundaries did not exist, we would all live in chaos. Our lives need boundaries as well, finances, relationships, children, and our marriage. I regret not coming to the realization of the importance of enforced boundaries in my early years. Maybe someone told me, but the revelation didn’t become real until I experienced the devastation from not enforcing them around everything. We must intentionally start a marriage thinking about the important things which will make a marriage last.

If you’re already married, you may want to stop and have serious conversations to address areas of chaos. Chances are those are the places where there are no enforced boundaries. If apparent chaos is not present, sit and think about areas where boundaries would be beneficial and put them in place together.

Linda: Where does one start to rebuild a marriage?

Sherri: When a marriage has been torn down, the first place to start to rebuild a marriage is repentance, forgiveness, and commitment to the process of rebuilding. When a marriage is destroyed, it’s like a demolition of a building that took time to construct. When that building is destroyed the only way to rebuild it is by placing the bricks back one at a time. Brick by brick the building is restored.

Linda: Do you believe any marriage can be saved?

Sherri: I believe any marriage can be saved if both parties are willing to do marriage God’s way. The only marriage which cannot be saved is the one who’s hearts have turned cold towards God. When we allow Holy Spirit the opportunity to soften our hearts, He can restore anything. No one goes into a marriage saying, I want to be divorced. There was once an intention to be married for a very long time. Humility is key for both spouses along with allowing Holy Spirit to lead the way to restore the marriage better than it was before. I always say, “God specializes in resurrecting dead things, even a broken, devastated marriage.”

Linda: Any final thoughts?

Sherri: God had a specific intent in mind for marriage. Culture has perverted marriage by inserting doctrines that contradict God’s Word, Will, and Ways. Kingdom citizens are encouraged to view marriage with spiritual lenses. “I heard it said that ‘a perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other,’ and I agree. God desires to bring His will into our marriages, but someone must choose to do marriage God’s way.”

Linda: How can people find more about you and your book, Righteous Relationship Reset?

Sherri: To connect with me or purchase my book, Righteous Relationship Reset, visit www.touchdownsenterprise.com or my Facebook Page at https://www.facebook.com/OfficialSherriDowns Readers can also email me at info@touchdownsenterprise.com

 

 

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Marriage on the Mend, Healing Your Marriage after Crisis, Separation or Divorce – Interview with Co-author Penny Bragg

Marriage on the Mend is a must-have book for couples who are trying to restore broken marriagesDO MIRACLES HAPPEN? Can marriages reconcile when it looks almost impossible for it to happen? YES, and the story of Clint and Penny Bragg proves the point.

But how the reconciliation takes place and how the marriage is mended  becomes an important part of this story. Clint and Penny’s book, Marriage on the Mend, Healing Your Marriage after Crisis, Separation or Divorce, is a must-have book for couples who are trying to restore broken marriages. And co-author Penny Bragg is here to tell you more about both their story and their book.

In our Marriage 911 classes, we have often  invited Clint and Penny to share their amazing story of reconciliation, and each time they come, they provide new hope for couples who thought their marriages might be over. However, in addition to their story, Clint and Penny’s book, Marriage on the Mend gives couples the tools to actually put their marriages back together, brick by brick, after they make the decision to reconcile.

Linda: Penny, you have an extraordinary testimony of reconciliation. After your divorce, did you ever think it would be possible to remarry each other?

Penny: Neither of us ever imagined God would reconcile our marriage. We had been divorced for over a decade and had absolutely NO contact with each other during those years. And when we say, “no contact,” we mean it. We had not spoken since the day our divorce papers were notarized citing, “Irreconcilable differences have caused the permanent breakdown of our marriage.” Once that happened, we each went our separate ways.

Early Married Life and How it All Unraveled

Linda: Were you Christians when you were married back in 1989?

Penny: Yes, we were Christians. We were married in the church and had a beautiful ceremony. However, we had no clue how to be married. We thought if we loved God and each other, that was enough. We were not mature enough in our faith to realize that we were going to have to work hard to have a good marriage. We also didn’t want to tell anyone we were struggling because we were in leadership positions in the church.

Linda: Yes, I’m afraid that can easily happen to people in leadership. Tell me though, were there specific issues that led up to your separation and divorce?

Penny: Yes, we can look back at it all now and see it so clearly. We both had a ton of baggage from our childhoods and secrets we never shared with one another. Those things seemed to subtly crawl out from under the carpet and creep in between us. We had gone on a mission trip together after our first year of marriage and when we came back, that’s when the division started. We couldn’t really put our finger on what was wrong. Clint could feel me pulling away, but we didn’t have good communication skills to work through things. He started getting worried because I was spending a lot of time away from our house and away from him. He confronted me about an affair, but I denied it.

Linda: Did you attempt to reconcile after you were separated?

Penny: I was the one who walked out. I wasn’t being honest with Clint. I was being unfaithful to him and to God. Clint tried to do all the right things to reconcile, but I would have NONE of it. The more he pursued me, the more I ran away. When he showed up unexpectedly at my workplace, I threw my wedding ring across the room at him. It was ugly. I was ugly. I closed my Bible and I closed my heart. I understand now that I had never really let Jesus heal all the wounds from my childhood and that I took out all that pain on Clint. He now understands that he was doing the same thing to me.

Reconciliation and Remarriage

Linda: I’ve heard you share your amazing story of how God started the ball of reconciliation rolling. Would you share with our readers what happened?

Penny: Unbeknownst to either of us at the time, God had paralleled our lives during our eleven years apart. But, He never allowed us to intersect. What we didn’t know was that we had both recommitted our lives to Christ after wandering our own paths away from Him. We finally let Him reach down and touch all the wounds in our hearts. I was working with a Christian counselor, trying to heal and bring closure to things in my life that I had broken through sin. The LAST thing on my list was contacting Clint, even though he should have been at the top. I was too scared after all I had done to him. I had NO intention to try and reconcile, just to heal and confess the truth to him. I also wanted to ask his forgiveness and apologize for what I had done.

Linda: The rest of the details of your incredible reconciliation are in your book, Marriage on the Mend, right? Tell me more about your remarriage and your book.

Penny: Yes, Marriage on the Mend—Healing Your Relationship After Crisis, Separation, or Divorce, Authors Clint and Penny Bragg(Kregel, 2015) contains our story. But it also covers the first five years of our remarriage to each other. Once we remarried in 2002, we had a mountain of consequences to overcome. People tend to think that you just reconcile and then cross it off your list. WRONG. Reconciliation is something we work on every day. We’ve now been remarried for almost 13 years. We’ve learned over and over again that reconciliation is not about following a recipe, it’s about following Jesus Christ. God did not allow us to have contact with each other until we had both reconciled our relationships with Him.

Tools for Reconciling

Linda: What great insight! So often, couples want to just repair the marriage itself, but until their hearts are right with God, it’s hard for them to get their hearts right with each other. What would you say are the main tools that have helped you build a strong marriage the second time around?

Penny: There are many tools that have helped us along the way. During our first remarriage conflict, God really got our attention. We didn’t want to fail at our marriage again. We were desperate for Him. We also didn’t have any counselor or books that seemed to meet our needs. But, we had both established a strong relationship with God which included meeting with Him alone daily. That is the most important thing in our remarriage that has made all the difference. In addition, we never leave the house without praying together in the morning first. We also meet together once-a-week to read the Word and pray together. Having prayer/accountability partners is another must in our marriage. Those people have permission to call us on the carpet when needed. They are our marriage advocates. We also get away with God each quarter to really talk about the deeper issues in our marriage, to seek Him together, set goals, and assess our progress. All of these tools have drastically cut down the conflict in our marriage.

Linda: What are some of the hardest issues you think couples must deal with after they reconcile?

Penny: Unforgiveness and bitterness over past mistakes seems to plague most couples who reconcile. The key is learning to accept forgiveness and reconciliation as a PROCESS…an ongoing process that takes time and effort. In addition, couples must learn a way out of the cycle or revolving door that gets them stuck in the same offense or argument over and over again. We have several tools in our book to address these issues.

Linda: Tell me about the QR codes in Marriage on the Mend and why you wanted to integrate video into the reading experience.

Penny: As former educators in the public school system, we know how important it is to model the things that are taught. People need to see tools and concepts in action to understand how to apply them. We were thrilled when our publisher, Kregel, suggested we take all the video podcasts we had made and link them right into the book using QR codes. That way, as you read you can scan the QR code with your Smartphone or tablet and see a visual demonstration of each tool. There are 40 podcasts connected and threaded into Marriage on the Mend. We also posted all those videos on the Internet so people can access them for free, even if they haven’t read the book. They can also be accessed through our website http://www.InverseMinistriesPodcast.org or on our Marriage on the Mend YouTube channel. https://www.youtube.com/user/MarriageontheMend

Advice for the Separated or Divorced

Linda: A number of the people reading this may be separated or divorced. What advice would you give?

Penny: Focus on strengthening your individual relationship with God daily. We designed some free resources to help you do that, including our “Give God 40 Days” devotional. We also have a resource entitled, “Do the Desert Well,” which encourages you with specific ways to allow God to change and heal your heart. Just e-mail us at reconcile@inverseministries.org and we are more than happy to send these to you. We also have a set of 40 scripture/prayer cards to deepen your prayer life. We know how painful the journey is for those who feel like their spouse or ex-spouse is showing NO signs of reconciliation. That’s why we created so many resources to walk alongside those who feel like there is no hope. If God can reconcile our marriage, He can reconcile ANY marriage!

Linda: Where can people find out more about your book, Marriage on the Mend?

Penny: Our website has all the information about this book and others we’ve written about marriage, including what others are saying and an informational video. http://www.InverseMinistries.org.

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Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity – Interview with Co-Author, Mona Shriver

WHEN INFIDELITY INVADES the sacred protection of marriage, shock waves strike at the very foundation of the relationship. The revelation brings unbelievable pain, and many marriages don’t survive. But they can. There is hope. According to Mona and Gary Shriver, authors of Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity, a marriage can heal from the trauma of infidelity and eventually thrive once again.

For them, this isn’t just a theory. It’s personal. They have lived both the devastation and the recovery. And Mona is here to share from her heart what she learned from this experience and what she can now pass onto others about the hope and healing that is possible. Their story and their book, Unfaithful, is one I regularly recommend to those in our classes, and I am so pleased to be able to introduce her to you today.

Linda: Mona, I know your book, Unfaithful: Hope & Healing after Infidelity, is based on your personal story, and that you and your husband went through adultery in your own marriage. What led you to share such a deeply personal journey?

Mona: I was absolutely blind sighted by Gary’s admission of being unfaithful. I never, ever thought this could happen to us. Never thought Gary would be capable of such a thing.

Gary and I had been married twenty years. Happily, I thought. We had three active boys between the ages of seven and fourteen. Life was busy. We were Christians. We were best friends. The revelation of his adultery made me question everything I thought I knew, including myself. Gary wanted to save our marriage and I knew that was in line with God’s word. But frankly, I didn’t believe for one minute that we could heal. I knew our marriage was over, but I also knew I had to “try” so that when we did divorce, I could say we tried.

What I learned, what we learned, during that process was the reason we wrote Unfaithful. I learned that you can rebuild, or even build anew, a marriage with love, trust, intimacy and respect after infidelity. What we call a healthy marriage. It can be done. God can do it if you’ll both follow Him in the rebuilding. It was the hardest thing either of us has ever done but we are so glad we did.

Most people don’t believe that. That’s because all we normally see are marriages that didn’t heal. We had been told couples healed but when I asked to speak with someone who had done it, no one could be found. Later our counselor asked us to be that couple for someone else.

That’s how Hope & Healing Ministries began. The four of us met for a while, then began working alongside couples in our support groups. As we watched what God was doing for these marriages, the book just had to be written so others could hear the same words of hope.

Linda: You said marriages can heal from infidelity. People can heal. Tell my readers how that can actually happen. What does it take?   

Mona: We tell couples only two things are required to start the healing process. First is a willingness to try. Both of you willing to work together to try and heal. This doesn’t mean you really believe you can do it. I didn’t. You may not know how you feel about the person you’re married to right now. Very understandable. It just means you’ll try.

That meant I would first commit to God. Sitting at God’s feet, seeking His guidance, being willing to do things His way.

The bottom line was that it wasn’t about what I had done or hadn’t done—blame. It wasn’t about trying to control my spouse or making sure our efforts were “even.” It wasn’t about making anybody happy. And it wasn’t about single handedly saving a marriage or manipulating healing. It was about being the person God created me to be whether I remained married or became single. It was about doing my part and not settling for anything less than real healing.

The second requirement is transparent honesty. Answering questions honestly. Expressing what you think and feel as best you can with as much kindness and respect as possible. This is not the time to acquiesce without input. Honesty sets the foundation for healing, and without it, the work you think you’ve done will crumble when the dishonesty is exposed. And everything counts right now. This is hard stuff, and sometimes you have the opportunity to apologize for how you communicated a truth. But as you continue to work together, you can learn how to better communicate. This is where support and a good Christian counselor can help you with new and better tools. We sure didn’t know what to do or how to do it. Some of us need to speak up more. Some of us need to be quiet more. Both of us need to listen. And treat each other with respect, not because they “deserve it” but because God asked us to treat all people with respect.

Linda: Someone might say, “I’m not sure I want to save this marriage.” Now what?

Mona: The revelation of adultery is comparable to the sudden death of someone you love. It is a trauma and it is that big. It overwhelms your ability to adapt. There are physiological changes in your brain that effect how you process information. You’re a mess—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That means this is not the best time to make major life changing decisions.

So what do you do? Focus on healing. Even if you separate, the healing is still the focus. There is a wound and it’s huge. It needs to heal. And if your spouse is willing to work through that healing process with you, then that can make your healing a bit easier.

If you have children, this person will continue to be a part of your life whether or not the marriage heals. Your children have two parents and no amount of anger or bitterness will change that. In fact, those most hurt by unhealed wounds are the children. So go ahead and invest the time and effort towards healing. Your kids are worth it.

You can focus on healing because you really have nothing more to lose. Your life is already in chaos. The truth is that the quickest way out of this pain and to feeling good about life again is to heal. There is a third choice beside giving up (divorce) and giving in (staying in a miserable relationship) and that is to heal. As the healing progresses you will be better prepared to consider those life changing decisions.

Linda: How long does it take to heal from infidelity? 

Mona: The truly honest answer is that it takes as long as it takes. It takes until both of you agree the healing is complete.

So what does a healed marriage look like? How do you know when it’s done? As you work through the process, gain some understanding, grieve that which was lost, and resurrect that which is necessary, the acute pain goes away. You will never forget—that is impossible. But it will not dominate your thoughts or control your life like it does in the beginning. It will become a sad memory. But we all live with sad memories in our lives—that doesn’t mean we quit living.

Healing is complete when both of you feel you can approach your spouse with anything. Now that doesn’t mean all your talks are fun—we are still human beings after all. The point is to listen to each other and treat each other with respect and kindness even if we don’t agree so we can reach decisions with which we can both live.

The realization that we were fully healed came in retrospect. It happened so slowly I missed the moment. That was okay.

Linda: What else can help couples heal from adultery? 

Mona: Educate yourself on this process of healing. Unfortunately, not all therapists and pastors agree on the best way to heal from adultery. That can not only be confusing it can make it more difficult. We have several recommendations on our website at Hope & Healing Ministries. hopeandhealingministries.us

We also have a free resource available that might be a good place to start. The Crisis Support Booklet offers ten foundational truths in bite-sized pieces about adultery recovery with encouragement from others who have walked this path. Go to the website, click “Couples Support”, click “Infidelity Recovery” and scroll down to “Crisis Support Booklet.” Each person will benefit from having their own copy.

Linda: Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers? 

Mona: There is so much more I wish I could share. So many have questions on forgiveness, trust and so much more. Unfortunately not all can be addressed here. But you can find answers that will aid your journey to healing.

Oswald Chambers says this. “It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something”. I found this so true in the journey of our healing. I had some “unlearning” to do.

This healing journey is not easy but it is so worth it. Gary nor I are the same people we were before we went through the healing process to rebuild our marriage. And quite frankly, we’re glad. We like ourselves and each other a whole lot more.

You don’t have to go through this alone. There are resources out there to help you. We encourage you to seek and access the resources you need. May the Lord give you the wisdom and the strength to complete the journey.

Linda: Speaking of resources, how can your book Unfaithful help couples who decide they want to try to work through the healing after infidelity takes place in their marriage?

Mona: Our book, Unfaithful: Hope and Healing after Infidelity is written from the perspective of a couple who has been through adultery recovery. By switching back and forth between the perspective of the betrayer and the one betrayed, the book helps couples better understand each other’s experience as they move through the process of healing.

This book conveys some common elements of the healing process along with Biblical principles to help guide readers through recovery. There is also a section on emotional affairs. When the book was revised we were able to add a lot of what we’d learned from the experts and from the hundreds of couples we’ve been privileged to walk alongside. And at the end of each chapter we’ve included discussion questions that can be a great way to begin addressing the issues couples face as they work through their recovery.

Linda: I know in the past you’ve also had marriage intensives for couples after infidelity. Please tell us about them and what you’re doing currently.

Mona: We will always talk with and support couples as long as we’re breathing so we’re not quitting ministry, but we are making changes to the method in which we deliver it. We did Weekend Intensives from 2010 through 2019 and had basically decided to cease offering those when COVID hit. So we’re spending this time making videos of what we consider to be our most important sessions from those weekends. They are filmed and currently being edited so should be available within a few months. Gary just happens to be a professional audio video engineer so he’s just beginning the editing portion of this project. These will also be available on YouTube. We’ll be notifying those on our email list when they’re ready.

Linda: How can people find out more about you, your book Unfaithful, and your ministry?

Mona: People can reach out to us by going to our website, http://hopeandhealing.us.

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Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved – Author Interview with Joe and Michelle Williams

When a person’s marriage crashes into crisis, one of the first questions they may ask, is, “Can my marriage be saved? Or is it too late?” Joe and Michelle Williams’ book answers that question directly. Their book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, not only tells you that yes, it can, but it provides numerous tools to help you actually do it.

Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved is a companion book to the course the Williams had previously created called Marriage 911, a course that my husband and I have lead for 14 years in Central Florida, and a course that takes place in numerous cities across America. If you have taken Marriage 911, this book will solidify for you the principles in the class. If not, it will give you fresh perspectives to help you discover the truth in the title of their book. For, yes, your marriage can be saved. I am pleased today to interview Joe and Michelle Williams about their book.

Linda: Michelle, tell us what lead you to write your book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, that was published by Focus on the Family in 2006?

Michelle: After Joe and I reconciled from being separated for two years, we began helping marriages in crisis in 1990. In 1997 we created a workbook and a 12-week curriculum that many churches in California and across the nation began using to help couples who seemed to have no hope. As you know, we also began traveling to many of the churches, including yours, and meeting many leaders and authors. Many of the authors, including yourself, encouraged us to write a book using true stories from the many people we had helped.

Linda: So, Joe, would you say that Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved is a book that includes only stories of saved marriages?

 Joe: No, even though the book is filled with true stories of people whose marriages were on the brink of divorce we felt it was important to include stories of marriages that didn’t make it. For instance, one of the guys that I worked with during his marriage crisis did everything he could to save the marriage, but his wife had no desire to work on the marriage and finally filed for divorce. I wanted his story in there because he was an example of men who need to stay plugged into a support group and not go through their pain alone. Steve did that, and even though he has not remarried, he became a godly man for his children and had peace through his difficult time.

Linda: Please tell us more about the book. I know it includes stories from those you have walked alongside. But what else is in your book?

 Michelle: Our story of separation and reconciliation is also woven throughout each chapter and includes all the reconciliation tools that are in our Marriage 911: First Response workbook. At the end of each chapter are questions that can be answered in small groups, as a couple, or privately.

Linda: Can you give an example of how Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved differs from the Marriage 911 workbook since it includes the same tools?

Michelle: Yes, as you know, our 12-week workbook is meant to be done with a same gender support partner or in a same-gender class, without the participation of their spouse. In contrast, Yes, Your Marriage Can be Saved is designed to be read as a couple so they can contemplate the questions together or with other couples. The examples and communication tips are explained in a way that is easy for a couple to discuss since there is a lot of humor intertwined with teaching them better ways to disagree or accept personality and anger-expression differences.

Linda: So, if someone is separated or has a spouse who doesn’t want to read it, is the book still helpful?

Joe: I don’t like to read, so Michelle reads out loud to me while we drive. I’ve “read” tons of books without ever having to! Most of the guys I know feel the same, but all of them have said they don’t mind being read to.

Michelle: If someone is physically separated we recommend getting a small group together or at least one other same-gender person to read it and discuss weekly. But, honesty, many of the people we have heard from over the years have read it alone, put the tools in action and made their own personal changes without their spouse ever participating. As Joe mentioned, there are several stories of marriages that were not saved, but lives changed for the better and we include those stories to encourage the reader whose marriage may not be saved. Remember, the name of the books is “Yes, Your Marriage CAN Be Saved”…not WILL.

Linda: Do people use both the Marriage 911 workbook and the Yes, Your Marriage Can be Saved book together?

Michelle: That is always the best way if a church is offering a 12-week class. The workbook has all the tools, but not all the examples. In Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved each tool is discussed in depth with several examples of additional communication tips. Since a couple can read the book together they do not have to have their own, as they do with the workbook.

Linda:  Can you two give an example of the tools and communication tips?

Joe: The first thing we recommend in Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved is to create a support system so that the reader does not go through their marriage crisis alone. Being isolated and alone is what Satan wants, and when someone is alone and hopeless the enemy wins. The support system of our ministry is key—regardless of how the marriage is doing. Another important factor about having support is that it creates accountability. In my own life, until Michelle and I separated in 1987 for two years, I had never been accountable to a group of men. I think my being in a men’s group and studying the word with other guys played a big part of Michelle and I reconciling.

 Michelle: We know the importance of accepting differences when it comes to communicating, because that was one of the biggest hurdles for us in our marriage. Woven throughout the book are tips and tools to deal with anger, honesty, fear, and personality differences. These differences can really show up when storms such as parenting, finances, or family drama blindside a marriage. So in Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved we create examples of how to accept these differences and keep a right focus so couples or individuals can not only survive but actually thrive in the midst of difficulty.

Linda: Where can couples get the book?

Joe: They can order it from their local bookstore, or Amazon, or visit our website, Marriage911Godsway.com.  Many of the churches who offer our ministry have it on hand in their church library or bookstore.

Linda:  If someone wants to start a Marriage 911 program in their church, how should they go about it?

Michelle: It’s easy to start a ministry. Just visit the website: Marriage911Godsway.com, and order a leader’s kit. We have a step-by-step plan in the leader’s guide, which explains how to start a small group or class, or use the resources one-on-one. The weekly videos on our website can be used in a small group or class, or the person can do it on their own.

Linda: If someone wants to attend, but there isn’t a Marriage 911 class nearby, is there an alternative?

Joe: We offer trained national support partners and online videos once a person orders any of our workbooks or book.

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For Those Who Are Separated

Many of you who subscribe to and read Heart Talk are journeying on a difficult path in your marriages. Some are separated in different residences. Some are living in the same house, but the distance between you and your spouse is palpable and lonely.  Every day you wonder what will happen in the future.

Many of my posts on Heart Talk in the past have been directed to you and the issues you face, but for the past several months in which we’re all trying to navigate through a Covid-driven world, my focus has been to reach out to everyone dealing with a new reality that has brought new stress and anxiety to life.

But I haven’t forgotten you, and this week I want to give you a potpourri of encouraging posts from the past you can look over so you can hopefully find something to help you on your difficult journey.

Feeling All Alone?

First, do you feel you are all alone? Do you wonder if anyone has ever dealt with what you are dealing with? Often, I get emails from readers or those finding me online who can’t imagine anyone else has dealt with a situation like theirs and actually seen their marriages survive.

But you are not alone! It’s just that not many people are vulnerable enough to tell you about it.  So here’s a post that invites you in so you can see that others have gone through similar things. And because of God’s grace and goodness, their marriages have been restored.  http://www.lindarooks.com/2018/04/19/you-are-not-alone/

And if you just need something to steady your swirling emotions so you can feel more confident about making good decisions, my book Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, can be a friend to walk beside you during this tumultuous and unsettling time.

Saving Your Marriage by Yourself?

Others of you may be crying out to God for your marriage to be restored, but you don’t think it’s possible because your spouse has pulled away from you and is perhaps seeking a separation or divorce. Your fear is that if your spouse doesn’t want the marriage, how can it ever be restored?  Everyone seems to say it takes two to reconcile a marriage. If this is true, what can you do by yourself? But is it true?  If this is the question you are asking today, this post is for you.  http://www.lindarooks.com/2016/06/03/takes-one-begin-reconciliation-marriage/

Easier to Get a Divorce?

Some others of you may be ready to just give up. Is it really worth the effort? If this is going to take a long time, wouldn’t it be better to just get a divorce and get on with my life? If this is your thinking, you might want to read the following: http://www.lindarooks.com/2019/09/03/would-i-be-happier-with-a-divorce/

How Do You Actually Reconcile when Separated?

But a number of you undoubtedly just want to know if reconciling your marriage is truly possible and what to do to save it. Is there really hope for YOUR marriage? Perhaps you’ve already tried. You’ve gone to counseling. You’ve tried to get your spouse to “talk.”  You’ve asked over and over, “What do you want? What can I do to make this better?” But you feel like you’re staring at a blank wall when you look at the blank look in his or her eyes. You feel like you’re out of options. You don’t know what else to do. Before my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, came out, I wrote a series for those who are separated. This is part 3 of the four-part series.  http://www.lindarooks.com/2019/03/13/can-separated-couples-reconcile-bringing-about-reconciliation-after-separation/

And finally, some of you may just need to dive in and do the work to save your marriage. You may have been thinking about getting my latest book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, but don’t know if it will help.  The post below provides an overall look at the book and describes each chapter to give you a better idea of what you can expect to find there and how it may help. Will it actually help you achieve the goals you’re after? You can look here and see. http://www.lindarooks.com/2019/03/20/fighting-for-your-marriage-while-separated/

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated is also available as an audio book for those who prefer to listen in the car or close their eyes and absorb the words when feeling too weary or too depressed to read an actual book.

A New Series

After the first of the year, I hope to do another series on Heart Talk for those who are separated. This time I plan to share some of the things that weren’t included in my books, but offer additional help for those at a marital impasse.

Our Story

Because my husband and I went through the agony of a three-year separation ourselves, we have a deep desire to help others who are experiencing this lonely and troubling time in their marriage.

Here is a brief snippet from my husband’s and my interview on 100 Huntley Street. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcYZSAQN3AY  You can see both parts of the full interview on YouTube or just go to my website at http://brokenheartonhold.com to see those interviews. Plus, you can see others as well when you visit the speaking/media page.

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More Heart Talk on Heart Talk

Photo by Mimi Thian

When I first envisioned writing my blog and calling it Heart Talk, it was with the idea of connecting more personally with my readers. Since I frequently receive emails from those reading Broken Heart on Hold or Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, I thought a blog would give readers an opportunity on a regular basis to respond to what I write and ask questions, tell their stories, or whatever they’d like to say. In addition, I hoped to create a community of my readers who could not only respond to me, but respond to one another as well.

Many times I get an email or comment from one person whose situation is similar to someone else who has also written me. I think, “It would be great if they could connect and support each other.”  Community and support systems are very meaningful. We have seen that in our Marriage 911 classes. Many times someone comes to class feeling they are the only one going through something, only to discover others grappling with some of the same issues. Participating in one of our small groups often becomes one of the most meaningful aspects of the class for many of those who attend. I see the encouragement on their faces and hear their words of support in their sharing. It becomes a community of life giving hope.

Some of you don’t know anyone going through what you’re going through. You don’t have classes like Marriage 911 to attend. You feel alone and isolated. What I’d like to do with Heart Talk is to bring you in—to include you in a community of people who can share and support each other through the trials and struggles of life.  Of course, because of my books on marriage, many times the struggles involve marriage. But sometimes, it might be a struggle with your faith or something else.

You know if you’re reading one of my books that they are intended to speak to your heart, to engage your thinking, and give you encouragement. That’s what I want to do with Heart Talk also. Heart Talk is intended to go beyond the books, to reach out to you and bring you into community. You don’t have to use your real name when making a comment. An alias is fine. Just make your comment at the bottom of this post.

So let’s begin sharing heart to heart. What would you like me to write about? Do you want to make a comment about one of my past posts? Or questions? I’d like to hear from you.

To encourage your comments this week, I’m going to offer one of my books in a drawing. Each person who comments will be entered into the drawing. If you are the winner, you can choose which of my books you want me to send you. Here are the choices:

Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation, my first book, is written to be a friend to you as you journey through a crisis in your marriage. Wherever this journey is headed, you need strength to make wise decisions and take the next step on the path you are traveling. Broken Heart on Hold walks with you on the journey to help you become stronger emotionally and spiritually. Written in short one – two page segments like a devotional book, it’s a book many people read again and again.

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted, guides a person step-by-step through the complexities of a separation by sharing practical insights, biblical wisdom, true stories of reconciled marriages, and experiences from my own personal story of reconciliation after a three-year separation from my husband. The book shows how one spouse who wants to restore a broken marriage can find the hope and help he or she needs even if they’re fighting for their marriage alone.

The Bunny Side of Easter, my children’s Easter picture book, is an exciting adventure story about an ordinary rabbit whose heroism makes him the Easter bunny and the rabbit on the moon. Through bits of allegory, the book points children to the true meaning of Easter and the greatest hero of all. If you as a parent or grandparent feel a disconnect between the Easter bunny and the true meaning of Easter, this book provides a sweet answer for the children in your life.

If you’re the winner, you can choose any of these books, and I will send them to you in the mail.

So, what would you like to say this week? I’m looking forward to your comments below.

 

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Reclaimed, Finding Your Identity after Marital Betrayal, an Interview with Author Stephanie Broersma

The pain of infidelity is perhaps the most excruciating a married person can experience. For Stephanie Broersma, it shook her world and sent her on a heartrending journey she never expected. But Stephanie found healing.

In a powerful new book, Reclaimed, Finding Your Identity After Marital Betrayal, Stephanie shares that journey with incredible honesty and vulnerability in what she hopes for the reader can be a 30-day personal journey toward healing. If you have experienced this kind of betrayal, you can walk with Stephanie on this journey as she shares from her heart how God took her from the pain of revelation about her husband’s infidelity onto a path of restoration. In my interview with her this week, you will catch a glimpse of her heart as we talk about her new book. 

Linda: Because of your experience with your husband’s infidelity, you have started Reclaimed Ministry to walk women through their season of brokenness. Your stated goal is to support women with authentic tools and scripture-based guidance that supports them and meets them exactly where they are. You claim that there is healing from infidelity in marriage. How did you find healing from your pain?

 Stephanie: I was extremely intentional when I approached healing but more importantly, I gave myself time to pause and pray. It was easy to respond immediately to the raging emotions I felt post confession so trying to have eyes of grace, humility and forgiveness became the lens I saw life through.

With any serious injury, there is a period when the open wound needs around-the-clock care, but, over time, the need to change the dressings and keep 24 hour watch lessens. My life was consumed with all things healing. I read books, met with mentors, had people daily checking in with me for accountability and emotional support. Eventually, Tim and I began dating again and attempted to rebuild our broken marriage.

So, if you needed a “simple” answer to the question, I’d say I faced the pain head on and understood that to best heal, I needed to clean all the areas of the exposed wound regardless how bad it was going to hurt.

It’s been ten years since confession and there are still moments where Tim and I are learning new things about ourselves and us as a couple. Healing has now turned into growth, and one should never stop growing. 

 Linda: What was your biggest hurdle in writing Reclaimed?

 Stephanie: The biggest hurdle in writing Reclaimed was myself. The self doubt of every word not being good enough for any reader weighed heavy on me. There was fear of what people might think about the details shared and the horror of family members reading the intimate parts of our healing journey. But in the end, the enemy lost and victory has been God’s as testimonies from women share about lives being changed, how my words gave them a voice and the simple thing of being seen has changed how women approach their betrayal journey. Success came when I got out of the way and let God do what He’s planned from the start when Tim and I said yes to sharing. From there, it’s been a humbling road to walk as we hear daily how Reclaimed has given people hope to keep fighting, to move forward and to know that they are loved by a King regardless of the outcome.

Linda: Tell us about the Biblical truth that inspired this book about healing from infidelity. 

Stephanie: The most impactful Biblical truth I’ve learned as I wrote Reclaimed was by far the concept of forgiveness. This began weeks after my husband’s confession and has been the most challenging idea to embrace for myself. We often say to others we forgive them, but how often do you forgive yourself? I said those words to Tim but believing them for me was much harder. I struggled to forgive myself for thinking I allowed this sin to enter our marriage and to have grace towards myself when I couldn’t get over the pain it caused. Over the years of healing and ministry now, I’ve seen this play out in many different situations in my life. Forgiving myself for having a bad day as a parent, not being fully present for my spouse in conversations or for not achieving all the expectations I’ve placed in my own life has proven to be hard. Realizing that forgiveness is not so much for the other person but rather for me, has been a game changer in my life.

Another huge Biblical truth I’ve learned since confession has been living out my identity in Christ. This by far has changed my lens on life, knowing that I am God’s child. The comparison to the pornographic images or trying to be someone I was not, wrecked me. For the longest time, I believed I was the reason my husband stepped outside the marriage; things I was not caused him to look elsewhere. I know now, that nothing about me caused the initial sin. Often, this becomes one of the hardest challenges brides face post discovery or confession. If you don’t know who you are in Christ, then your faith is crippled, allowing the enemy to steal your joy and identity in Christ.

Linda: What is your prayer for your readers as they dive into Reclaimed? What is your goal in sharing? 

Stephanie: My prayer for every reader is that, they too, would embrace the truth of being a child of God. That they would have the discipline to silence the lies of the enemy as they seek healing for their own hearts. A discipline of keeping their eyes on Jesus, the vertical relationship, and allowing God to work through every step of the process. My heart passion is for women to walk forward in wholeness as they seek hope. A bracelet I wear often reminds me of the purpose behind sharing. It says: “I want to inspire people… I want someone to look at me and say, “Because of you, I didn’t give up.”

I didn’t set out to reach the masses; my goal was to reach one heart and make a difference in that Individual’s life. I felt extremely isolated in my journey and I never want a bride to feel that as she pursues her own healing. And perhaps, with the courage it took to share, one other person will have the courage to not give up and believe that hope is possible.

“Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me.” Psalm 66:16

I pray for the broken bride who is challenged today to seek God’s beautiful blessings in the middle of her mess. I pray that she would live boldly in the authority she has as a child of God and to feel strength to seek greater healing.

You can find out more about Stephanie’s book, Reclaimed, at https://reclaimedministry.com/ and read more about Stephanie’s everyday life at www.thebroersmafive.blogspot.com

 

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16 Marriage Resources to Help Hurting Marriages

Photo by Amanda SixSmith

Years ago when my marriage began to fall apart, I felt lost. I didn’t know where to turn for help. It was an uncharted path for me as I know it is for many of you.

I went to Christian bookstores looking for books to provide guidance. I made an appointment with a pastor at church. I listened to Christian radio a little more attentively than usual. I was desperate for answers. But I found few resources that could really help.

Now that I’ve traversed this difficult road, found healing in my own marriage, and become involved in ministry to help heal hurting marriages, I have happily found resources that can help hurting marriages in crisis. Conferences, retreats, courses, intensives, books and Internet sites are available to those looking for help. Below are sixteen resources available to help in the healing of hurting marriages.

Programs You Can Attend that Help Hurting Marriages

A good marriage program can offer a big dose of healing in a relatively short period of time. Many marriages have turned around, found healing, and become reconciled because of the following programs. The first three programs listed below are peer-lead by people who have experienced and overcome crisis in their own marriages.

  • Marriage 911 is a twelve or thirteen week international program founded in Modesto, California in 1990 by Joe and Michelle Williams, now helping hurting marriages in over sixty cities throughout the U.S., as well as Canada, Australia and the Virgin Islands. Unlike what is common in other marriage programs, Marriage 911 can bring healing to a marriage even when only one spouse attends.  Because men and women participate separately, each spouse learns to focus on God and what God is personally telling them to do to become healthy individuals and have a healthy marriage. Many families are together today because of the commitment of just one spouse’s participation. My husband and I have personally been leading this class in our Central Florida community for 14 years, and have seen many marriages healed. Because of this program, countless numbers of couples around the country have survived crisis in their marriages to experience the joy of renewal and wholeness in their families. For more information: https://marriage911godsway.com/
  • Retrouvaille (French for rediscovery) is an international program that begins with a weekend retreat where couples learn communication tools that help them connect at a heart level. It’s a transformative weekend for couples whose marriages are in crisis and can completely bring renewal to a marriage regardless of how broken it is when you attend. My husband and I personally experienced this transformation when our marriage was in the first stages of recovery from our three-year separation. We were still separated but finally decided we wanted help to put our marriage back together. Retrouvaille enabled us to do that. Retrouvaille is usually sponsored through the Catholic Church and can be found throughout the United States as well as other countries around the world. You can see more at: https://www.helpourmarriage.org/
  • The Marriage Helper Workshop Retreat considers itself to be the emergency room for marriages in trouble. It is a twenty-year-old program that boasts a 77% success rate after having helped thousands of couples. During the three-day workshop, leaders help couples tackle real-life situations, addressing principles that people identify with, whether or not one or both of them actually want to save the marriage. The workshop offers hands-on help by those who have experienced and overcome a crisis in their own marriage to rescue relationships and help couples grow deeper in intimacy and passion. No one is judged for what lead to the marriage crisis. The workshop takes place in Nashville, Tennessee. For more information: https://marriagehelper.com/

Getting The Love You Want Workshop for Couples –This workshop based on Imago Relationship Therapy developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D, teaches that relationship power-struggles are an opportunity for healing and growth and can establish a deeper connection between partners. In this workshop, certified therapists and facilitators help couples break destructive patterns of communication, find emotional healing, and learn new conflict resolution strategies. Through Imago, couples can develop increased compassion and understanding of one another and renew the passion and pleasure in the relationship. Imago workshops can be found across the country. https://imagorelationshipswork.com/find-a-professional/workshops

Marriage Intensives Specifically Designed to Help Hurting Marriages

A marriage intensive involves either a weekend or several days of intense professional marriage counseling with a small group of couples and can be extremely effective in helping a couple identify and resolve core issues hurting their marriage. The following ones are highly recommended.

  • A marriage intensive through Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored program offers help from trained professional counselors in a picturesque retreat center in one of three locations, including Missouri, Michigan, and Georgia. http://hoperestored.com.
  • Hope and Healing intensives are for those recovering from adultery in their marriage. Mona and Gary Shriver, authors of Unfaithful, lead the intensives, which usually take place in Northern California. https://www.hopeandhealing.us/

Books for Hurting Marriages – In Depth Help You Can Review Again and Again

The good thing about a book is that you can keep it with you and read it again and again. You can underline your favorite parts, share it with your spouse or others, and use it as a launch pad for discussion.

  • Broken Heart on Hold, Surviving Separation by Linda W. Rooks, brings emotional and spiritual healing to breaking hearts so readers can focus on the next step and make wise decisions. My own story of my husband’s and my three-year separation is woven through the short chapters to heal their emotional pain, lift the reader up to God and give them hope for their future.
  • Award winning Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted, by Linda W. Rooks, walks with the separated person step-by-step from the first day of a break-up to eventual healing, guiding them toward reconciliation, but preparing them with God’s undergirding love for whatever the outcome. Practical insights, breakthrough strategies, biblical wisdom, and real life stories provide a roadmap through the confusion of a separation.
  • Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved: 12 Truths for Rescuing Your Marriage by Joe and Michelle Williams is written by the creators of the Marriage 911 God’s Way ministry. Against the backdrop of their own separation and reconciliation stories, the book shares numerous insights that help those in troubled marriages look at themselves personally in the context of their marriage and recognize where change needs to happen. An invaluable resource for helping individuals and couples through the tough times in marriage.
  • Marriage Off Course: Trusting God in the Desert of Unwanted Separation or Divorce by Clint and Penny Bragg uses the poetry of a desert analogy to offer biblical guidance and practical tools to strengthen the faith of those languishing in the desert of separation or divorce. The Braggs also provide an insightful perspective into the mind of a prodigal spouse and the husband she left behind. Their own experience of an eleven-year divorce that resulted in reconciliation, plus many stories from others, brings welcome encouragement while walking with the reader on a path toward healing.
  • The DNA of Relationships for Couples by Greg Smalley and Robert S. Paul uses a fictionalized account of an actual marriage intensive to unravel a variety of untenable marital situations and unveil simple principles of hope and healing. Written like a novel, the book puts you in the heads of four couples at a four-day marriage intensive headed for divorce. As they wrestle with their problems day and night, counselors reveal insights that are gradually able to untie the messy knots of their relationships.
  • I Do Again: How We Found a Second chance at our Marriage–and You Can Too, by Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs, reveals the hidden secrets that can slowly destroy a marriage and the spiritual awakening that can open the way to healing. Written like a romance novel, I Do Again is a riveting story about the marriage, divorce, and remarriage of Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs. The book offers renewed hope for even the most troubled marriages and reveals why the rewards of restoration are well worth the wait.
  • Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver is a must-read for any couple dealing with the aftermath of unfaithfulness in their marriage. The Shrivers, who experienced unfaithfulness in their own relationship, walk the road of recovery with readers as they take turns sharing their story of healing and the necessary steps that brought them back together. The wisdom and recommended tools are invaluable for a couple recovering from an affair.

Help on the Internet for Hurting Marriages

The Internet offers opportunities for regular encouragement and community with others in similar situations. Hope and help are only a click away and always available.

  • Heart Talk – Finding Hope in Unexpected Places – This is my blog for those who need weekly encouragement to help them walk through a difficult time in life or find hope for their marriage. http://lindarooks.com
  • Spiritually Unequal Marriage – A community of hope and encouragement offering a variety of resources for those married to unbelievers http://.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com
  • Marriage Builders – Valuable marriage advice from Dr. Willard F. Harley on a variety of subjects through Articles, Q & A Columns, Discussion forums, radio shows and more. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/

If your marriage is hurting, there is help even if your spouse is unwilling to try. Decide today where you plan to start. Hope is just around the corner.

 

Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated offers practical guidance through a separation.

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Marriage Off Course, Interview with Authors Clint and Penny Bragg

A marital separation can take a person down many different roads. The confusion and complexities often keep a separated spouse continually off balance and uncertain about what path to take or decision to make. It’s almost always a desert experience. Many of you have probably read my two books, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated and Broken Heart on Hold, but I want to introduce you to the authors of another book on separation that might offer new perspectives to help you on this difficult and unwanted journey.

Clint and Penny Bragg know about separation, but they also know about divorce. They were divorced for eleven years before they rediscovered each other and remarried. Knowing both the pain of divorce and the joy of a reconciled marriage, their new book, Marriage Off Course, Trusting God in the Desert of Unwanted Separation or Divorce, walks with readers through the desert of both separation and divorce to strengthen their faith and help them heal. The Braggs also provide insightful perspective into the mind of a prodigal wife and the husband who is left behind. For those of you men who want a book from the perspective of a husband whose wife has left, the Bragg’s book offers, among other things, a compassionate friend who understands what a man is going through when his wife has left.

Linda: Why did you write your latest book, Marriage Off Course: Trusting God in the Desert of Separation and Divorce?

Penny and Clint: The sorrow and grief of a broken marriage is a pain like no other. We know. We’ve been there. In the summer of 1991, our marriage blew into a billion tiny pieces. Yes, we were Christians. Yes, we were involved in a church. We even served in leadership positions. Still, we did not understand how to cultivate a Christ-based marriage, how to communicate, how to honor each other’s differences, and many other important aspects of having a healthy marriage. Little by little, a distance began forming between us emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We tried counseling and meeting with our pastor. Nothing helped. Reconciliation seemed impossible. One balmy July evening, I (Penny) packed a few things in a suitcase, walked out our front door, and never looked back.

All hopes for a saved marriage were dashed. We divorced. Many years would pass.

Enter God. In a manner that can only be described as a modern-day miracle, after no contact for over a decade, God orchestrated our reconnection. Soon after, He reconciled our marriage. After we remarried and began seeking God together and putting Christ as the head of our marriage in every area, we knew that someday, we would reach out to those who were suffering the pain of a broken marriage. Marriage Off Course is our way of coming alongside others who are in need of hope, offering tangible ways to thrive in the desert season of a dying marriage. There is hope! There is help!

Linda: Tell me, Clint, when you and Penny separated and eventually divorced, what did you do to initially survive the heartbreak and hopelessness? What mistakes did you make?

Clint: Actually, I didn’t handle things well at all. At that time, there were no resources or other people I could talk to who understood what I was feeling. I also made several attempts to contact Penny even after she told me to stay away. I showed up at her apartment unannounced, as well as her workplace. In these ways, I was trying to “help” God by convincing Penny to come back. When all my attempts backfired, I slowly inched away from my relationship with God. Big mistake. That’s another reason we wrote Marriage Off Course: it contains very tangible do’s and don’ts. I hope that I can help others not to make the mistakes I made.

Bottom line: I turned my back on the only One who could heal my heart. To be honest, I was angry at God for not bringing Penny home, but I was afraid to admit that. As a result, my life continued to unravel for many years until I confessed my feelings of anger, asked God for forgiveness, and began seeking Him in every area of my life: spiritual, relationships, finances, health, home, profession, and my life dreams.

Looking back on it all now, I wish I would have focused on becoming more whole in Christ, instead of pulling away from Him. In chapter 7 of the book, we include several “timeline” exercises that will help you focus on using this time of brokenness in your marriage as the catalyst for becoming more whole. Perhaps that is part of God’s desire for you in all this.

 Linda: I’m glad you mentioned that chapter, Clint. It is one of my favorite parts of your book. It provides a great way to chart out the ups and downs in our lives so we can find healing from the past that we’re carrying into our present. But let me switch to your perspective, Penny, as the one who left the marriage. What would you say to those who are hoping their prodigal wife or husband will return?

Penny: Your spouse may act like everything is fine and they are moving along with their happy life, but deep down he/she knows that God is NOT in favor of their choice to walk away from the marriage. Don’t give up praying for him or her. In the book, we offer an entire chapter on various ways to use prayer as the power tool it was meant to be. More than a fight for your marriage, this is a fight for your own faith. Do you believe He is able to…?

It’s also important to remember that as you wait for your prayers to be answered, you are waiting on God, not your spouse or your circumstances. What you do with the “wait time” is essential to your spiritual and emotional survival. In chapters 3 and 6 of Marriage Off Course, we offer some very tangible ideas to help you grow closer to God as you wait on Him. As hard as it is to say, circumstances often get even more bleak during a separation before they get better. All the more reason to deepen your relationship with God. Knowing this now can help you faithfully endure the duration of the journey.

Linda: Some people in an unwanted separation or divorce find that as time passes, the people in their support system seem to burn out and give up. They know they can’t do this alone, but don’t know what to do. Do you have suggestions for them?

Clint and Penny: Over the years we have been helping spouses in crisis, we have heard this same heart-cry. That’s also one of the reasons we wrote this book to be a source of spiritual companionship. Receiving prayer from marriage advocates is critical, but sometimes scarce. Therefore, at the end of each chapter you will find a QR code to scan with your Smartphone or tablet and listen to a recorded prayer from us.

As seasons come and go, your support system may have to change. God doesn’t change, but people do. Stay involved and in fellowship with other believers. You may find that doing so provides you with new friends and prayer partners. Also, be willing to try new things, i.e. Christian workshops, classes, retreats, and worship gatherings. When prayer is offered at these types of events, take full advantage of the opportunity to receive it. Don’t isolate in your pain. Force yourself to stay connected in healthy life-giving relationships.

Linda: Throughout the book, you share bits and pieces of your story, but you also include the stories of others. Some of their marriages were reconciled, others were not. Why did you include both?

Penny and Clint: You aren’t the first person to ask us about that. When we were conducting interviews for the book, one divorced spouse asked us, “Why do you want to include my story? My marriage wasn’t saved.”

Every marriage can be reconciled, but not every marriage is reconciled. That’s a hard statement to make. But God is concerned with every individual heart of His children. You matter to God. Whatever the outcome, your story matters. Every detail in your story is held close to His heart. Your worth is not measured by the success of your marriage, or a lack thereof.

Linda: “You are known as “marriage missionaries.” Would you explain what that means, what you do, and where you go as missionaries?”

Clint and Penny: We have been serving as “marriage missionaries” since 2006. Each year, we embark on a number of mission trips across the United States. Basically, we load all our teaching materials and books in our van and drive to any church that invites us. During those trips, we also meet with spouses and couples in crisis who are on our route. We share our testimony of reconciliation, pray with spouses in need, teach workshops, and train marriage ministry teams and pastors. We’ve traveled overseas to several countries as well. As marriage missionaries, we raise all our own support so that there is no financial burden on churches or families.

Linda: “How can people find out more about your books and ministry or contact you if they want you to come to their area of the country?”

Penny and Clint: We LOVE being asked that question! We can be reached through our Inverse Ministries website at www.InverseMinistries.org. You can also access more information about our three marriage books, Marriage on the Mend, Your Marriage, God’s Mission, and Marriage Off Course on our website as well. We also offer a variety of free resources for spouses in crisis. Just email us at reconcile@inverseministries.org

 

If you’re going through a separation or divorce and wanting to reconcile your marriage, please feel free to ask Clint or Penny a question.

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