When torn wrapping paper and mashed-in boxes pile up after Christmas, it feels good to carry the trash out to the curb and see it hauled away. It’s great to get everything cleaned up so we can start fresh. Author Georgia Shaffer, Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation and a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, helps us see another pile of trash littering our lives that we may be unaware of – emotional trash. In her book, Taking Out Your Emotional Trash, Georgia provides eye-opening insights that can profoundly transform the way we deal with negative feelings and thoughts that might unwittingly bring havoc to our lives.

Linda: Georgia, we can all relate to the job of “taking out our trash,” but what led you to write Taking Out Your Emotional Trash?

Georgia: Like many, I grew up in a home where I never learned the skills needed to handle my disappointments, insecurities, or anger in a healthy way. As a result, my feelings and deep hurts piled up and created more pain in my relationships. It took me years to learn how to deal constructively with my emotions.

As a professional certified coach and licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, I’ve seen how other people struggle with their negative feelings. Too often they wait until a crisis before saying, “I need help.” Unfortunately, it’s usually our closest relationships, like our marriage, that brings our junk to the surface and it’s those relationships that suffer the most. I wrote Taking Out Your Emotional Trash to help people dump their junk before they trash their relationships. I want people to experience less stress and more of the energy, peace and joy that comes when we get rid of any potentially toxic feelings in a healthy way.

Linda: Could you share with us your definition of “emotional trash”? 

Georgia: I define “emotional trash” as the negative thoughts, feelings and attitudes that accumulate in our hearts and minds, which, when ignored or denied, can lead to strong emotional reactions where we say or do something we later regret.

It’s not that our emotions are unhealthy or dangerous – it’s what we do or don’t do with them that creates problems.

For example, I have a friend whose garbage was not collected one week in the summer and so her husband stored it behind a shed in their back yard. A week later, the night before trash day, he carried it back out to the curb. But it wasn’t until he walked into their garage, back into the light, that he noticed maggots crawling all over his sleeves and hands.

If their garbage had been picked up at the scheduled time, it would not have become infested—and he would have been spared a creepy experience.

The same thing happens to us in our marriages when our grudges and unresolved anger are not dealt with properly and in a timely fashion.  They create the emotional equivalent of maggots crawling all over us.

Linda: At the beginning of the book you talk about spending a day on a beach filled with trash, and how most of the people walked or played around it as if they did not see it. Then you say we often have emotions that we ourselves don’t see or have numbed or grown used to.  What an interesting insight. Can you give us an example? 

Georgia: Resentment is a great example of an unhealthy or destructive feeling that we don’t recognize.  It’s like living near a fast food restaurant and getting use to the smell. After a while we aren’t even aware of its existence.

For example, pay attention to times when you react, rather than respond, to your spouse or someone in your family.  You might be tired or distracted, or your snappish comment could be the result of a deeper resentment lurking beneath the surface. Sometimes our poor attitude has more to do with something deeply rooted in our hearts. For example, one woman recently realized her constant sarcastic remarks to her husband stemmed from the fact that thirty years earlier her husband had encouraged her to get an abortion before they were married.  She had grown used to her bitterness, and it wasn’t until she grieved over the loss of a close relationship that she realized she needed to work through all the emotions that came with her abortion so she could forgive her husband.

Linda: You write about how easily our wants and tightly held expectations can get distorted into needs. You say wrong thinking and a lack of self-awareness can plunge us into a downward cycle. How do we reverse this tendency? 

Georgia: It’s important to pay attention to the expectations we hold too tightly.   Our legitimate desires can become warped by wrong thinking when we believe an expectation we have for our spouse is really a need. James warns of this, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1 NIV).

Unless we are paying attention, our unfulfilled desires can plunge us into a downward cycle that looks like this: “I desire that you help me rake the leaves” becomes “I need you to help me.” or “I demand that you help with the fall cleanup.”  Then it can go on to become: “And if you fail to do this, I will punish you in some way –either by withholding my time and attention or by attacking you verbally.”

To reverse this downward cycle, we must 1) recognize which desires have become something we believe we need, 2) grieve the loss of what can’t and might never be, and then 3) embrace what is. It is only at that point we can learn to live with the tension that comes with having desires and dreams without demanding that God or others fulfill them.

Linda: In Taking Out Your Emotional Trash, you talk about destructive and constructive ways of handling anger. Most of us agree that physical and verbal aggressions are harmful, but what are some other destructive ways? And how can we express our anger constructively? 

Georgia: Anger is an energy that needs to be channeled in the right direction at the right time in the right way. Destructive ways of expressing our anger include 

• Making sarcastic or critical remarks – delivering that zinger and then saying, “I’m only kidding.”
• Giving the silent treatment – not communicating to your spouse or friend for days or weeks
• Withholding something like your affection, time or attention, the very thing you know your partner wants.

Whereas some constructive expressions of anger are

• Exercising
• Journaling
• Talking to a safe friend or counselor
• Righting a wrong
• Fighting a righteous battle
• Addressing the relational issue
  

Linda: You write that it’s important to understand forgiveness as both a choice and a process. What do you mean by that?  

Georgia: First, forgiveness is a choice—not a feeling. But even when you make the decision to forgive, that’s only the beginning. The next step is to work through the feelings of hurt, anger, sadness or betrayal.

You might forgive someone on an intellectual level, but if you fail to do the emotional work then you won’t heal on a deeper level. Working through the process means you verbalize what happened to you and how you feel about it. When you get stuck or want to nurse your grudges, remember what God has done for you and how you’re forgiven. You also want to remember that for something like adultery, it can take months, sometimes even years before you are truly free of the pain.  One of the reasons, it can take so long is we can only handle the pain a little bit at a time. 

Linda: What would you say to someone who is ready to face their bottled-up feelings—their “emotional trash” –but who is overwhelmed by the task?  

Georgia: Many of us get stuck at one point or another in our lives– that’s normal.

One summer I decided to clean my 2-car garage, which at the time barely had room for one car.  It didn’t take me long to realize that making the choice to clean my garage and doing it were two different things. I was overwhelmed by the size of the task. Two months later I still hadn’t done anything.

One friend told me to start in a corner and another friend suggested I do one box or one shelf at a time. But I was still paralyzed by the huge task. Finally, I decided the only way I was going to make any headway was to tackle the job one item at a time. Was I going to throw it out, give it away, or keep it?

The project took five months to complete. But the transformation was amazing. Now I have more space—enough for two cars—but I also have more energy, more joy, and even more money since I now know what I already have and where it is.

If you’re feeling stuck and overwhelmed, focus on one issue at a time. Pray and ask the Lord to show you, “Where do I need to start?  What is the next best step for me? What is one thing I can do?” Don’t be afraid to seek the help of a friend or a Christian counselor because sometimes you can’t do it alone.

Linda: Most of us have emotional meltdowns occasionally. What can we do to minimize these meltdowns, so we can protect our marriages?

Georgia: Be honest with yourself and ask, “Why do I resist dealing with my hurt or feelings?” Are you telling yourself you’re too busy to deal with them or that you have a right to be bitter with, say, with your spouse? Do you think the sadness will destroy you? Do you think if you ignore your unresolved anger it will disappear? The problem with not facing your feelings is it usually means at some point in the future you’ll find yourself spending a day—or more—unable to do anything but deal with your hurt and pain.

Therefore, you want to create and maintain routines that will help you pay attention to how you are doing emotionally and spiritually. Ask yourself: “How am I doing in my closest relationships? Am I reacting or responding to what’s going on around me? Am I getting enough sleep, rest, and exercise?  Am I maintaining a sustainable pace?  Am I protecting myself from total depletion?

Here’s the bottom line. Waste management today can take twenty plastic soda bottles and make a Polertec fleece out of them. But that’s nothing compared to what Jesus can do with your emotional garbage. He’s the master of waste management. He can take your junk and make something beautiful out of it—but you must be willing to give it to him.

Each one of us has emotional trash. The question is what are you doing with yours? Are you holding onto it or are you getting rid of it so you can be free to be the person God created you to be?

Linda: Wonderful insights, Georgia! Where can people find out more about you, your book, Taking Out Your Emotional Trash and your other books as well?

Georgia: Readers can visit  www.GeorgiaShaffer.com for more information about my books, my coaching services, and free resources.